Female fatale? Oh no..just feminine, thank you

Sometimes, I have doubts that I'm genuinely a woman. No, I'm not talking about me being a hermaphrodite or anything anatomically or physiologically of the sort. Just, you know, my gist. Does every woman feel this way? Or perhaps just those you became wiser through the process in life and a couple of bad ...I mean really baaaaaad relationships, so much so, we became stronger inside. More like loosing the "innocence" as men would put it.



Well, if knowing all men's tricks just to get laid means loosing innocence, than I'm glad I'm not one of those woman who is naive enough to think that men don't lie when they say they'll never lie to you..now, THAT is the biggest lie ever by the way.


I'm talking about feminity or femininity. I googled and Merriam Webster Online Dictionary gave the definition as "the quality or nature of the female sex". Okay, this definition, to me is not helping. Just having a vagina does not constitute femininity, I'm sure those people who are responsible for the irresponsible release of fatwas must know more than say, why it is not right to blow up civilians in the name of God. So I resume my search for the meaning of femininity
(I'm using this term instead of the shorter "feminity" because, my notebook keep underlining the word "feminity" in red, just to suggest it is wrong in spelling, everytime I type the word, and it is driving me nuts). Good old Wikipedia came up with a better answer,


Femininity (also called womanliness) refers to qualities and behaviors judged by a particular culture to be ideally associated with or especially appropriate to women and girls. Distinct from femaleness, which is a biological and physiological classification concerned with the reproductive system, femininity principally refers to secondary sex characteristics and other behaviors and features generally regarded as being more prevalent and better suited to women, whether inborn or socialized. In traditional Western culture, such features include gentleness, patience, vanity, superficiality and kindness.

Apart from the intact secondary sex characteristics (so okay, I take after my father in being flat chested, but hey, I did breast fed my kid although I lost to the cows milk in preference due to the inability to cope up with infant's demands, but small does not constitute absent), gentleness...well, my husband never complained (then again, I married a Punjabi), patience...hmm...this is where I'm getting screwed by definition...vanity...oh..oh..when was the last time I saw my reflection in the mirror? Just like sex, if I pause to think of an answer, the answer would be "too long"...superficiality. Wait a minute....not all women are superficial!!! I'm deep. I'm basically deeper than an abyss of deepness!!! So deep I sometimes cannot decipher my own depth...what the fish do they mean by superficiality as a characteristic of a female !!! Half the men I dated and dumped are superficial, and trust me, they don't have a vagina to match!! Snort!!

and kindness...well, if being cruel in order to be kind is considered as kindness, than I'm all female..phew!!

It's either I'm not feminine, or the people responsible in defining "femininity" should rewrite the definition. Or wait, perhaps the females of today need to redefine femininity, taking into account, the evolution women have gone through to become the women we are today.

How would I redefine femininity? Assuming we've established the fact that all femininity constitutes a vagina, boobs and butts as qualification, well for starters, the habit of crying to get what we want, should not be ascociated with femininity ( albeit it still works and you may find this trick in "How to boss men around for Dummies" reserve this for emergency casses only). The old trick of "Oh mah gawd, I've dropped maaah handkerchief" should be made obsolete. Well it's halfway there because women hardly use handkerchief anymore, since Kleenex. Instead, women should learn how to just voice out our needs, sparing the lacrimal gland from work. It's too demeaning.

For the married single parent women (married to a hopeless man who doesn't contribute ergo as good as being a single mom plus the occasional mercy corpulations), who should be wearing their underwear over their pants just like the other Superheroes, may not have time to be vain or patient (infants can sometimes take up 2 hours just to finish a meal), but I think they are more feminine than any femininities put together.

Kindness. Well, I can't say this to women who'd go all the way to wreck a happy marriage just to get laid, or worse, married. There's no kindness in there but they are the type who have time to indulge in vanity and patience....patience of plotting and planning how to get her man. For the women who struggle to keep a family together, and who have encountered with these unkind female species, trust me, you are more feminine than these bitches. You know what they say about poison fruits that has to look attractive for the animals to come eat them? Well, only dumb animals eat poison fruits. So, don't cry a tear when your husband fall for this type of bitches. It's like getting rid of a dumb animal....

Strenght. That's what redefines the women of this millenium. We have no choice but to be strong. Strong of course do not mean steroid muscullar, I can take my hubby down in a fist fight strenght, although there is nothing wrong with that too. But strong inside I guess. "For every successful man , there is a strong woman behind him" , it's true. What is not written in that phrase is "a woman, who is not just strong, but supportive, understanding, emphatic, loving woman just waiting to kick the hubby's butt should he slackened"...take that for femininity yawl...

So yes, having written this, and redefining "femininity" , now I feel much better and all womanly....too bad not many men are wise enough to realize this. In Malaysian setting, to me, (who happens to be a screwed up female, and nightmare to the male species, if not a weapon of mass destruction yet) femininity still constitutes ;(here are the top 10)

1. Inferiority - women are just inferior to men. The more you accept this fact, the more feminine you are regarded.
2. Superiority disguised - even if you are smarter than your man, at least have the audacity of pretending to be dumber...it's socially acceptable.
3. Should not drive (although this one I tend to agree)
4. Exclusively for Muslim women - the enormous ability to sacrifice your gray matter and accept things that allegedly will get you go to heaven, such as polygamy, cover up the whole body, be totally if not partially dependant to the husband, did I mention polygamy?
5. Able to giggle with a single sigh
6. Nagging. Women should nag. Otherwise men won't have another reason to cheat.
7. Shopping. Well, someone has got to finish the lump sum of money the husband is making otherwise it'll be wasted.
8. Look good and sexy at all times - the bitches who have no problems breaking a marriage will tell you that.
9. No futsal...are you mad!!! You're as good as a lesbian if you play football, didn't your mom tell you that!!!
10. Able to produce tears with a single blink of the eye...

Well there you go....having said all I've said, there are women out there who are just total opposites, but know that they are all woman anyway...

"He who knows, and knows he knows,
He is wise - follow him"

To all the true feminine women out there, don't even doubt it!!! Let's redefine it instead.










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The Ex Files.....(rolling up the eyeballs and yawning....)

I guess this is going to be one of the cliche stories, amongst millions,about someone, bumping into the ex. Yes, talk about the Ex Files. I ran into mine the other day and the thing that amazes me most,is how a little glimpse could open up a huge Pandora Box.

I'm not going to talk about how we met, or how we broke up. You can get that from watching the telenovelas or movies from Bollywood. There are hundred reasons for two people to meet up and billions of reasons for them to break up. No. Things begin as well as end. That is destiny. I'm not going to talk about what and why it is destined, rather, how we handle that destiny.

Somewhere between "goodbye" and "one last cry", there is this huge space filled with mixed emotions, weaving, intertwining, overlapping,co-existing emotions of emptiness, anger, bitterness, sadness, gratitude, bewilderment,dejected, despondent, rejected,ergo there will be a point where it makes you wonder, why do we keep falling in love, only to have that love die,and you, in utmost pain, picking up the pieces.

Then when time passes on, you begin to accept the fact that thing have ended and whatever said and done,he/she is gone. Sometime you sigh in relief, because breaking up is hard to do, but sometimes, breaking up is necessary. Deciphering and digesting this fact makes healing faster. But when you realize that, the person who had walked out of your life, or who you've walked out on, is a person you cannot imagine your life to be without, then, there is a possibility that you may never heal at all.

Of course there are many sad songs to make you cry. Crying helps really. Then you talk about it. Gradually, insidiously, you begin to realize, that the crying gets lesser, and you smile more often that you did the days before. And you know, you are on the road to recovery.

Then you've recovered fully, or so you thought, until one fine day, you bumped into that person you use to love. In that few instances, you will be forced of a verdict on whether you have actually recovered. Because how catastrophic your heart beats could possibly be a way to measure that recovery.

Out poured the contents of Pandora Box and the next thing you know, you're listening to suicidal songs in mid afternoon again. Then the recovery process repeats itself.

If you are lucky, you may fall in love again, but you know,deep within you, unexplainably, that it may or may not be as good. Alas!! It may even be better. Maybe you will learn in the next relationship, that love doesn't really have to hurt after all. That previous hurt made you wonder, should I or should I not get involved again? Then there are the "ifs"...what if it works, what if I end up where I started,in pain. Can I live through that pain a second time around? You will be drowning in an abyss of uncertainty. But you know you have to go on in life, as it is pointless to stay melancholic forever. Life, have to go on, no matter how cliche it sounds when people tell it to you. Perhaps the most annoying thing would be, that you know they are right.

The saddest revelation someone could have when the love of his life walked out the door,is the feeling she left you. It makes you feel worthless. You tell yourself good things to pacify the hurt, but deep down, you cannot escape that feeling of worthlessness.

So it brings me back to the question, "if love hurts like hell, why do we keep falling in and out of love?". Well, I'm no genius, but I figured, to be able to recognize and appreciate true love, perhaps you need to experience a few degrees of love. I hate to say it, when it comes to love, you're damn if you do and damned if you don't...until you find that true love, if you are lucky enough that is...

There is a positive side to this whole emotional mess that I've gone through. I use to take for granted that love is for everyone, until I missed that boat. As I browse through life and and love,sometimes taking my time when all is worth, I begin to actually comprehend, what Nat King Cole meant when he sang,
"The greatest gift, you'll ever learn,
is to love
and be loved in return"
Something I've known all along, but never really deciphered, until of course, I deciphered.....

Love is a gift. Marriage is the bonus. A lasting marriage between two people who love each other,truly, is a miracle......
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...

I am woman

If ever reincarnation is true and I am given the chance to pick a gender of which I'd be born as, I'd probably want to be born a woman all over again. Not that there is anything wrong with being born a man, or gay since if I'm looking for challenges in life, being born a Gay in one of the Arab countries would be it. Being born a gay in Malaysia is not too bad, as long as I stay out of politics. I have no problem being reborn other than a woman,nor am I attempting to be condescending towards beings, other than women, rather, it's just a matter of preference.

Wait, it's a tie between the Gays and the women in Arabs countries. Being born a woman in one of the Arab countries would, I reckon be as tough since I am being pampered to the point of taking my independence for granted now, to tolerate female oppression. I'd be hanged the moment I learn how to think. Besides, I think being banned from driving like what is imposed onto Arab women in Arab Saudi,right now would cramp my lifestyle since I take a fancy in driving like Schumacker, only in a less fancy National car (not that I'm THAT patriotic). Jeez..why do they do that to their women, the bearers of their legacy. They're women, not invalids.

On the other hand, if I want to look for stress free and pampered life, it is not so bad to be born as a dog in some Western country, but I prefer scratching my ass with the fingernails of my hands rather than those of my foot.

Yes! I want to be reborn as a woman..."Why?" you ask me. Why not. Women are soft yet strong and resilient, smarter than men albeit to survive, we let men think otherwise. You can't blame men really. They have two "heads" to distribute their brains into. Imagine how tough is that!! You don't agree with me, check out the history of the fall of most empires. The truth will lead you to the real instigator of of war,men needing more power, more money, more land..and that would ultimately be..for more women. Romans for example. Caesar then Mark Antony were AWOL, busy conquering Cleopatra, ruling Rome from Egypt. I guess the concept of "work from home" may have evolved from these two prominent leaders. Hail Cleopatra!!

We women have only one head and that itself is tough to handle, not only by ourselves but especially men. They can't even read what's going on in one head, imagine if we have two!! It's detrimental to the mental health of men!! Being fickle minded is not an option, as women need to focus in order to divide the interest between working to earn a living, taking care of family and shopping for all the excuses to going shopping.

Ergo, wanting to be born a woman is a deduction to a choice by exclusion actually. But if you ask me for the actual reason why I prefer to be born a woman, I'd say that I enjoy the nature of a woman to nurture and love.

I want to be able to relive the experience, the joy of delivering a human being into this world,( well, not exactly from the moment of it's parturation,. My memory of child bearing comprises of interwoven flashes of pain,sometimes anger and expletives to the father for getting away with just donating the sperm, but that is another story,followed by post natal blues. Hey, you try pushing a whole watermelon through your ass. If you don't get post defecation blues, you may as well indulge in sodomy ).

To experience that moment when it dawned to me, after that point of my life, nothing else could matter more than that little being with little fingers, nose, mouth,.such a small being that could bring such huge joy to the life of it's parents. But after that, yes, after that, to watch it grow gradually into a however it is you mould it to become. There is no other joy that could replace the joy of bringing up a child into this world. It's the only thing that make sense in this world that doesn't. Well, that and love, and oh..sex...

I want to enjoy each emotion without inhibitions, to be able to cry at the time I feel the moment's joy, or when sadness envelopes me, that only a woman can get away with. I want to be able to appreciate and embrace the joy of just being happy for no apparent reason, right after going through my premenstrual stress. Although, I must say that I haven't gone into menopause just yet, perhaps then I'd have a different outlook in life and change my mind about being reborn a woman.

Sure most men could have sex without having any emotions attached to the act, less likely to get hurt, unlike most women. Maybe that is why it's the women that God had granted the ability to have multiple orgasms, kind of like a reward of sort?

We are so different, men and women,yet sometimes we are the same. Hitherto, I cannot decipher why people compare men and women on the same turf. It's like comparing Coffee and creamer.We are two different beings, design not to compete with one another, rather complement each other.

Yes, without a doubt, (until a new set of hormones governs) I want to be reborn a woman, if ever reincarnation is true, and if we are blessed with choices.
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...

That's All I Ask Of You....

I hope you have a good listen to lyrics if not for the melody of this number from "The Phantom Of The Opera", otherwise, whatever I am about to write next would not carry any meaning to you.

It started with a question, "why are you so fussy about choosing a man to be your partner in life?" , posted to me by my long time friend who is worried that nearly 9 years after the death of my husband, I have not had a single decent relationship with any man, let alone re-marry.

I wonder if it was ever that easy to get a man you can get along with, let alone love, and miraculously, end up being married to the same guy. I found it difficult the first time around, and sadly, it gets more difficult the second time. Why? Simply because, over the years, I grew what romance dread as "basic common sense", and we all know that Oscar Wilde is right when he said, "Thinking kills romance".

That and the fact that,at this age, I am done looking for romance. Of course I enjoy the heat rush, the palpitations when our eyes lock, yadaaa yadaa..blah blah blah..(you can get the elaboration of "yadaa blah blah blah" in any lovey dovey romantic paperback or Romantic Comedy Movies)..but after sometime, it gets tiring and you know you long for the real thing. Now THAT'S when people run into trouble...when they crave for "the real thing".

Truth be told, the more older I get, the more annoying I find men. Not that I find women less annoying, especially the part where they would play "the game" and climb on top of each others' heads just to get the same man (and they keep saying women are smarter or even equal to men!!!)

I am 40plus and have had good relationships as well as bad ones. I do not regret any single one of them, because, good or bad, I learn something and become wiser, if not stronger at mind and heart. I realize something though. If you're looking for spending the rest of your life with a man in a bond called marriage, you don't have to go look for him. He will come to you in sweet serendipity, if destiny plans it that way. Trust me on this one.

But of course, if you have the energy for a roller coaster love ride, why not. After all, it can get a bit boring and lonely just sitting down and waiting for Mr Right For Each Other to walk into your life.

Back to "That's All I Ask Of You", the song is my conclusion of what I (and I'm sure most of us) look for in a relationship that may last as long as it lasts...I told a friend once that this will be my wedding song, if ever I am blessed with another chance. "It's suicidal", that's what she told me the song sounded like.

Ah well, marriage can sometimes be suicidal anyway. You just never know.

"Say you love me,
Every waking moment,
Turn my head with talk of summertime
Say you'll share with me
One love,
One life time,
Everywhere you go I will go too..
Love me,
That's all I ask of you"

Oh, since we're at it, here's a couple of things I'm asking from the Mr Right For Each Other,besides "love me", and I'm sure my sentiments are shared by many :
YOU are NOT;
- a philanderer
- out of job
- workaholic
- alcoholic
- politician
- commitment phobic
- mommy's son

and I'll think of something else as we go along.....
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I wanna be a stupid girl....

Listening to Pink's song, "I don't want to be a stupid girl", it just hit me how much fun stupid girls actually have. I can't say I'm all that intelligent, but I definitely am not stupid. In Malaysia, if you are a Malay woman with authentic way of thinking that just so happen not to tally with the norm, you'll either find yourself with dates that you just want to run out of even before they serve the main course, or totally without one.

It's to do with our local guys. They love women who are less intelligent than them. Most cannot handle a smart woman, unless she is smart enough to pretend to be stupid(oh yes, pretending to be a dumbo gets you laid, if you are looking for that sort of arrangement that is), but trust me, that kind of relationship will not last long. It's a bit too tiring to pretend to be stupid almost all the time.

Let me get something straight. I have nothing against women who lack intelligence. In fact, I envy them. Perhaps, they are more happier in some sense. Ignorance can be bliss. I'm not regretting to not be a stupid girl either. It's just that, I wish there are more intelligent men around. Now I'm being condescending to the male species. Nope, not going anywhere to being condescending, rather, just stating the obvious. Women don't really mind having a slightly less intelligent men in their lives, it's just that, it doesn't work vice versa. It's to do with men's nature of wanting to be great all the time. Men are Narcissists, period. Women on the other hand, are looking for companion, not competition. (unless they're bitches). I can hear myself not making sense. Or am I?

It'll be a worse case scenario if the smart woman happen to have contracted a verbal diarrhea, oh yes, the ultimate endorsement to repelling most men, just as effective as Sheltox would be to a mosquito. There are of course a few exceptions, but trust me, these men are taken even before they graduate from the university, if they do go to the university. You don't have to go to the university to become intelligent, just to get things straight. In fact, Malaysian Universities are places where people go to have their cheery personality die. You either become a zombie by graduation time, or you just are not allowed to graduate because you are not dull enough.

Back to the topic, one of the reasons why most women in Malaysia, who are intelligent and self sufficient, ended up single, is that do not make men feel that they are wearing their underwear over their pants, like most Super Heroes. Single, by the way, is not an expletive. It only becomes one when society starts making it as such. I hate that glance I get upon purchasing a movie ticket for one person and the smart mouth at the counter will ask you, with that tone and that look, "One only?". Normally, my standard answer would be, "No, I'm bringing my imaginary hot hunk but you guys don't charge for imagination do you?", which by the way would be reciprocated with this weird expression that shows either they're too tired to have a sense of humour, or they just don't get my dry humour. Hey, I am at the near age of menopausing, all my jokes are getting drier, even KY jelly can't aid.

I want to be a stupid girl. A stupid girl have no problems getting dates. Even better if they are bisexual, they will never run out of dates. Men love them (Not referring to the bisexuals by the way.I'm done talking about them). They're more fun to be with, no fuss, no need for men to think hard. Especially Malay men, because I suspect that stupid women give cunning Malay men to have an excuse for to marry more than one. Smart intelligent women will figure out cunning ways to cover their tracks after they've castrated these philandering men, and men know that.

I had an experiment done once actually. I went out on a date and suppressed my 2cents thoughts. I look good with my mouth shut, that I have to say. Very vogue and poised. I had just enough make up not to look like a slut, that helped I guess. I waited until the 5th date when I started showing my true self. I was surprised that it lasted a couple more dates after he found out what I do for a living and before we call it quits. I guess he was very polite. God it was tiring for me to suppress my thoughts and my verbal diarrhea, but he was a hunk , and a sweet one too and that was one experiment I did not mind partaking. But gosh...the amount of effort it took me...

It's true I suppose, that men feels insecure and intimidated when they date smarter women. Not all men, just most of them. ...So ladies, if you feel like you sad and lonely and feel like dating someone, try the "oh gawd, I 've dropped maaah handkerchief" stunt, then try to have a brain constipation for as long as you want the date to last. It works most of the time....
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...

To romance or to Love Actually, is the question.....

A friend of mine asked me how do I know who is the right guy to marry, how I ended up marrying my husband. He is 40plus, never been married, (he may as well be gay) nor have a relationship that lasted more than 2 years..a toxic bachelor I believe is the general term.

Welcome to my world. I save lives. That's me. I save lives at work.(issuing MCs is kind of saving someone's life - the boss may kill him if he fails to make the deadline without being dead) I save the lives of toxic bachelors and bachelorettes after work. I wonder sometimes, with all the busy schedule, who's going to save mine?

I looked at him and ask him a simple question. " What are you looking for in life ?".
"What do you mean" was the answer, of which I expected. After all, the reason why the world is so screwed up today is because people do not know what they are looking for. I mean, look at George Bush Jr. He thought he knew what he was looking for in Iraq, and look how he's search hobby ended up.

"What are you looking for? Which part of the English you don't comprehend?". My sarcasms are what binds us together in this long platonic friendship. "I don't know...a smart girl who's good looking, and just nice boobs...", at which point I interrupted him,"Vokkkey...I got the picture. What is it about men and boobs anyway? It's no wonder Breast Surgeons drive posh cars and I have problems getting dates...".

I won't bother going into the next 15minutes of our conversation, most of it involved Dolly Parton's assets and my conspiracy theory that my father in law, who I truly adore, died not because of a massive heart attack, but suffocated in the arms of my mom in law's massive....oh..excuse me..I just got carried away, sorry.

Anyway, back to the topic of narration, I ask him,"Are you looking for love and romance, or are you looking for true love to live forever with?" He looked at me like I had just regenerated my hymen and said," Well all of it of course."

I returned him the same look, (we both know he had broken his virginity more frequent than the turnover of a cancer cells. It's amazing how some people can get away with philandering,unlike what they taught us in religious and medical school, I'm beginning to think that there is no god.) , and answered , "It's no wonder you are a toxic bachelor. You live in Bollywood."

The reason love stories exist is because they are surreal and hardly happen to anyone in the real life. So rare that they make it into movies. With such thirst for romance and true love to happen all at once, that is why Love Movies turn out to be Blockbusters. 'That is why, incidentally the movies a made in the first place. Should romance that ended up with a happy ever after, is a common phenomenon, then nobody would want to pay for seats and pop corns to go watch it, just stare out the window into the neighbour's house and watch romance and marriage happening simultaneously.

Come on!! I'm 40plus, formerly married, and I've never experience scenarios like turning my head around and bump into this gorgeous hunk and have the breeze blow through my hair at the exact moment our eyes locked. My hubby and I locked our eyes when I caught him cheating over a monopoly game we all played together at a gathering. The first time I set my eyes on him upon introduction by friends, my first impression was,"Yukh!!.Not my type!!".

Back to this romantic encounter,here's some reality check. I'd probably bump into this gorgeous guy and I'd be looking at him, while he would be busy checking whether his worked out muscles are well toned against the t shirt he was wearing, to even notice me. Even if our eyes locked, he'd probably look away immediately because he'd recognized that I was the doctor who had treated his Clamydia that he had gotten from some wild one night stand with a girl he picked up from Bangsar.(trust me, it had happened before. My love life is ruined because I am a doctor). These my dear friends, are stories of reality. I know. It bites.

So back to my poor toxic bachelor friend, I told him a few simple thing. What is he looking in a relationship? Is he looking for romance? Or is he looking for a lifetime partner?
If he's looking for romance, than,this is the easiest thing to do. Just go on out there as good as blindfolded, and fall in love with love. Get married, then divorce a couple of years down the line. I'm not being a pessimist. Go check the statistics of the rate of divorce hitherto. It's enough to make cupids opt for an early retirement.

But if you're looking for a soul mate, then start looking into her soul, and try to forget her boobs,at least for a while. He or she may not be as good looking as you painted in your imagination, the section in the brain that got you into this trouble in the first place.

I'm not being condescending to the good looking people out there. It'll be great if you could find someone who you like as a person and coincidentally, is good looking. Looks is not important by the way. It's just bonus. I don't know about you, but I've dated good looking guys and wonder, "is that all? come on...there must be something to back up that good looks. My heart can't pump this fast too long. I need something else to sustain this pace"

For me, I'm not looking for perfection. That's because nobody's perfect. I am looking for someone who is perfectly imperfect but perfect for each other. That was how I married my late husband. I saw his soul and he saw mine. Coincidentally, the sex was good too. So I guess, should he be alive today, I'd probably still have lots of fights with him, but it's only because we love each other very much.

One more thing. The trouble with us is we think we could choose who we love. Love is just love. We can love just about anyone. But when longevity is concern, can we imagine life without that love? That, should be a good start to finding our soul mates.

You must know yourself in order to know what you want in life. If you are looking for a soul mate to settle down with, then start with looking into her soul. Otherwise, ah well, there are plenty of people out there to have romances reinvented over and over, until the right one comes along.

Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...

Dating A Recycled Man

Many people say that unless you have the energy for a relationship roller coaster, gamble and not know what will come out of it, feel free to get involve with a "recycled man". Okay, I'm not trying to be a feminist here. The reason why I am not addressing a "recycled woman", (there is a recycled man, ergo there will inevitably be a recycled woman, unless we are talking about paranormal relationships, of which I am not.), is simply because I have never dated one.

So who is this man branded as "recycled", you may wonder? Well, it's a term that has been going on longer than the time I first lost my virginity, and that was looooong time ago..He's a man who have had failed relationships, got hurt over and over,ergo, termed recycled. I know. We are all damaged and recycled goods, but hey, I'm just recycling the term that is already in the market.

Like I've said before, we're all recycled and damaged goods. It's just how we handle broken relationships that will differ us from becoming a heart breaker, or a person who picks himself up, shake off the blues and get back in the quest of searching for our soul mates.

We don't need soul mates you argue with me. Well, sorry honey, we do. We're humans and we are designed that way. If you don't think so, then you're still in denial. Anyway, most of us function very well in society, some even hold top posts yet, we walk around feeling powerful because we are in control of many people's lives, yet we can't seem to get a hold on ours. Some of us walk around looking with deceptive aura of supremacy that we carry along as we walk past the corridor of our offices, feeling hollow. Of course that is but another story.

It is okay if you are lucky enough to have that recycled man learn something out of the previous broken relationships. But we all know that most men grow old, they hardly grow up. So you'd be lucky if you are involved in one who is matured.


I've gotten involved with such a person. A recycled man. It was hard (in a non harlot aspect of it), because it gives the term "fly kites" a new meaning. It's like with him, I was pulling and tugging one minute, then I could sense that I have to loosen the grip on the string in order to let him fly away just a little bit, before the whole process of tugging is repeated.

You can see him struggling with his emotions. He gets uncomfortable with feeling comfortable with you. It's like it is his mission to not get close to anyone. If I observe close enough, he reminded me of Smeagol from The Lord of The Ring, strugging between two personalities, one let himself go to his emotions and learn to love again, the other, opposing this very idea. Lucky thing he did not look like Smeagol, otherwise the involvement would have never even started. Or perhaps it was actually unlucky.

Actually, on second thoughts, no relationships be it bad or good is unlucky because you will learn something when it is over. That would make you more experienced and help you choose better in the next relationships (well, until you find the right on of course to spend the rest of your life with.). Even if you don't know what you're looking for, you'd definitely know by now what you ARE NOT looking for, so it kind of narrows the search spectrum, until one day, you will find yourself not looking at all because the spectrum had gotten so narrow and you have become so choosy that there is no one left to date...heh..heh...Kind of like what I'm going through right now. It's a nice feeling actually. I'd rather be alone rather than living in a lie, or simulated "happiness" when you get in a relationship for the heck of it. It's all or none law for me, yessirreee...

He is a divorcee. Now, there is a difference between dating a divorcee and dating a widow. The later will make you find yourself in constant competition with the late spouse. She'd be the most kind human being on earth when she is dead, even though she use to be the wife from hell when she was alive. Her death would automatically turn her into this angel in his mind. A divorce may think that you are his ex every time both of you get into a fight. Either way, you are seen as somebody else, other than yourself.

Truth be told, a recycled man is like this unstable atom that had been discharged and on it's way to looking for that next proton or electron to stabilize himself again. In the process of stabilizing, you may get repelled or worse, used and then chucked aside like that last rag you put outside your toilet door, yes, the one you wipe your feet as you are on the way out of the loo. Nothing wrong with that if you're in it for the ride actually. But if you're not, then you'd get hurt. Just like I did.

When should you date a recycled man? When he's out of that commitment phobic phase and had realized that everything in life ends, sooner or later. It's just too bad that it ended up sooner for them. But life has to go on and he will heal, albeit how he heeled depends on how he wants to do so, or whether he wants to heel at all. If he had decided to be wreckless about relationships, then any woman he encounters and decided to get close on the way to his personal healing, may suffer, should, may I reiterate, the woman is looking for the real thing, not just a fling. Otherwise, than I guess it's okay.

Nobody wants to be be a widow or a divorcee or to be alone. But we all know that there are certain things in life that one cannot fully control, even for a control freak for that matter. That is when you know God exists. But we are granted the gift of choice. We can make choices to either hurt people or just don't, when we take a step into the journey of recovering our lives. I believe in Karma. Also known as Qada' and Qadar. Just like how things will end, sooner or later, what goes around will come around, sooner or later......

To all the recycled men and women out there, it is okay to hurt and get back into the game if you still have the energy. We're only human and there is this journey in life we and only we alone will have to take. It's called destiny. Hurting is part of the process. That's when we grow and learn. But try not to hurt others while on your own journey towards recovery...... Because Karma lurks out in one of those corners. Do not underestimate the power of good communication.. Only with effective, honest communications, one may spare the other, the hurtful feelings. Because via communication and honesty, one can understand why the other have to end things.....Like I said before, things end. It's how you handle it that will make the difference...
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Women Rule!!! Men just don't know it..

Notice how, in a relationship, or in a marriage, women get away with getting away with what they want? Women almost always get their way, at the end of any argument long as it is with a man . It's just a matter of time, or whether the male counterpart realizes it or not, or how long it takes for him to realize it. The sooner the better. That is why the male have a so called feminine side of them. It is a backup excuse in case they can't win a fight. Women will just say, "get in touch with your feminine side" to salvage a male's ego, and the male would take it as a gentle passage out of an argument. Frankly, who wants men to be in touch with their feminine side. The reason why women fancy men is because they are not feminine. Otherwise, we may as well be a lesbians, if we're looking for feminity, and it'll be one "head" less to worry about malfunctioning or misbehaving.

Trust me. Anyone who is and had been married to any woman would know that it is crucial to keep her happy. An unhappy woman has nothing to loose. A person with nothing to loose is a dangerous person. So can you imagine how dangerous an unhappy woman can be?

We almost always get our way. Men think they rule. That is because we women allow them to think that way. We have got the art of making men feel they won the battle, while we silently gleam at our actual victory. What can I say, it is but an art. That is why I guess gay marriages are called "gay". Both partners are happy because none of them are female and not much arguments involved in ascertaining who wears the pants in the house ( because both do, unless well, when they don't ). In straight marriages, men wears the pants but we women have the talent to determine the type and color of pants worn, or in some cases, on what day should each pants be worn. Women are cunning creatures and want their way most of the time. That is why I will never be in a lesbian relationship.

My daughter got this from god knows where, "The men are the head of the household. Women are the neck, we determine which direction the head points towards". It's one of the best kept secret of longevity of marriage. The women makes the men think that they are in charge. As long as men think that, then women can rule insidiously in peace. Otherwise, the marriage will just feel long.
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Absolutely No Sex And the City

Some of us women have our moments when sex seem as distasteful as having a pap smear done. Your body is tired from the office work followed by the house work the moment you enter home. The last thing you have on your mind would be working overtime in bed. Ran out of excuses?

It's the millenium for god's sakes, be a little creative. Men nor women no longer buy the "sorry dear, I have a headache" excuse because you may get an aspirin shoved into your throat and still have to oblige as soon as the aspirin, according to the drug prescription pamphlet, kicks off to work. Here's some creative ideas for excuses:

1. "I went to the doctor today for this vaginal discharge problem I've been having and it's itchy. Doctor had given me vaginal tablets for insertion and she told me not to have sex for one week, at least."

2. Just as you sense that your partner is about to get horny, start a topic beginning with, "My mom called just now.....", then create something that you know will cause him transient impotence, like your mom is planning to stay over longer this time around.

3. Just as you sense that your partner is about to get horny, inform him that he's got a letter from income tax department.

4. Or if you reaaaaally don't feel like having sex for a long time, just tell him,"I went to the doctor this morning. Apparently my menses turned out to be a threatened abortion and we should practice abstinence for at least 2-3 weeks."

5. "I have this mastication muscle spasm and I can't seem to control the clenching of my teeth when I'm excited. Doctor gave me muscle relaxant, and it's going to knock me out apparently. It's still risky for you even if I don't take the medication. We don't want both of us ending up in the Acute and Emergency Department do we? "

There may be some truth in the saying,

"A newly wed woman is an artist at home, an economist in kitchen, and a devil in bed. After some time, they become a devil at home, an artist in the kitchen and an economist in bed."
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No Sex? and the City

I just don't get it. What's the big hoo haa just talking about sex? You don't need licence for that do you? You definitely cannot get pregnant just talking about it? (Unless you're a member of PAS and actually believe that immaculate pregnancy can occur just by queing up together, men and women). Not talking about it is not going to decrease its practice, legal or illegally. It's human nature to want to do something that is prohibited unto them. It instigates curiosity of whether they can get away with it. No? Well, then, perhaps it's just me then. But hey, I'm one happy woman.

Sex, whether it is talked about openly or behind doors, will continue to play an important role in human lives. It is a known fact that prostitution is one of the oldest job since the beginning of mankind. Sorry, I rephrase that. I don't think Adam had any other women around to start any philandering activities, nor was he likely to do so. (but then again there was that incident with Eve that got them into trouble and out unto earth...). Perhaps it is more appropriate to say, that it is the oldest occupation since the beginning of civilization.

What's the oldest job you ask me? Politicians of course. Why do you think this world is so screwed up? They were here on Day One, well, almost. Come to think of it, corrupted politicians and prostitutes have one thing in common- they screw people for money, but that is another story. (one that would lead me into ISA if I go on about it)

Back to talking about sex ( yes, I know you like it when I talk dirty...), people find it uncomfortable to talk freely regarding sex, especially men, when they cannot rise to the occasion, for example. It's funny because, that is the exact time when they should be talking about it because keeping quiet is not going to get them anywhere.I'm sure men don't find it funny, try having a gun that wouldn't unload when you desperately need to.

So what, if your gadget of fertility could not perform, one maybe four times in a row. It's normal for a man to experience impotence at least once in his life time. It's a transient matter, of which it's longevity ( I'm talking in reference of time here..not the gadget) depends upon when the unfortunate man with the temporarily out of service love machine, decides to come clean with the problem and finally solve it. Finally, if all else fails, there's always the viagra. For those of you who still think I am talking about Lang Lang's piano performance on the Rachmaninov's piece, or Paladin in "Have gun will travel", helloooo!! Wake up!! You can't be that naive!!



I once had this conversation with my colleage and somehow, we ended up talking about .....syyyy.......sex. She commented something that left me ....I can't think of a term to describe my sentiment at the time, but I remember my mouth was agap, long enough for a spider to knit a web unto it. From what I gathered from her comment, she had sex with her husband only in one position, husband on top, anything else would be making her feel like a nymphomaniac. Then again, you can't blame her, she was born a malay and most malay women are brought up to let their men stay on top.



Hello!! If God had intended sex to be performed only via one position, why on earth create human's joints to accomodate flexibility??!! It's no wonder why most married malay men, ended up marrying at least another one, if they can't fill up the quota of four!! (trust me, it's every men's secret dream to have a harem of women, legally or illegally. They won't tell you that of course). These men were probably insiduosly looking for sexual satisfaction, which obviously one position cannot provide!! And since it is wrong in Islam to "testdrive" in bed, what the heck, they'll just legalize it by marrying other women. There you go, the reason behind the popular sunnah unveiled.

I know marriage is not all about sex. It's something like money. Money isn't everything, but it does help improve bargaining position...Trust me, if men or less likely women do not get a reasonably satisfying sex, they still will manage to keep a good marriage, by fucking some other woman on the side, quietly. You're not a philanderer until you get caught with your panties down, unless you are not the type to wear panties. Women however, can be amazingly loyal to their spouse. Some even have never experienced how an orgasm felt like, yet, they were fine about it. Well, you won't know what you're missing until you know.


You think that was shocking? Well, let me tell you another story. It's so shocking, this time my jaw instantly gave up it's fight with gravity, and I was never the same after that. The couple had been married for nearly 8 years now and they still haven't had sex!!! The reason how I found out was because she told me she could not do a pap smear.

I remember when she first ask me for help, I was so shocked, I remember uttering,"if you need me to give you advice on how to give someone the blowjob of a lifetime, I may be able to help you, but this, for the first time in my life, I am speechless". I was, in all honesty. But I did try to help by arranging for them, professional counselling. I am still hitherto, waiting for that call from my friend who will someday say what may seem like magic words to me, "Help me. We had this rough sex and now I have a condom stuck in my vagina and it would'nt come out"...anything as ridiculous, so long as I know their problem is regarding sex, not deprivation of it..Otherwise, should the therapy fail, she should just quietly go ahead with the pap smear, and at least would not suffer future embarassment of claiming to be a virgin after 8 years of marriage. It is however, a little sad, when she reflects back at her life only to remember how that cold vaginal speculum, of the smallest size, had broke her virginity.

I can't really laugh at her situation, however, because I use to be the joke of the campus, you know, when people are laughing at you, not with you? At then, 23years of age, I was a product of "hush hush sex", and by that , I do not mean I am an illegitimate child of sort, rather, just ignorant about sex altogether. That ignorance was hardly bliss. I remember Iwas reading this book and I sighed, saying,"I have to read this in and out". My then, boy friend, smiled wickedly and started teasing me," in and out, in and out". I looked at him disgusted, and said," In Islam, you can only penetrate once. Then you have to mandi junub." (I realized later, you are suppose to only have sex once, and have to bathe before restarting another session...not my fault the ustazah sounded ambigous back then). I had the cheek to argue about the matter, because I hate loosing any argument.

He in turn looked at me as if i was from Kingdom Far Far Away, and did not say anything for good 10seconds, then with that expression that cannot describe, but remember until today replied back, "Do you know that the penis have to go in and out of a vagina before achieving orgasm?". He then explained to me how sex is performed, and I sat there beside him in the library ( how boring can my life be) and finally learned from my boyfriend, how people actually have sex. And to add insult to injury, he rest his case by saying smugly and cheekily, "Celup sekali je, tak jadi apa, jadi tapai je laaaa"..It's not what he had said, rather the way he said it made me blush everytime I recall it.

I can imagine therefore, young girls who are naive yet desperately want to oblige their boy friends, ended up getting pregnant.

Sex is just a natural human need. How we handle it is totally up to us. There is nothing dirty about it, unless it is forced unto an unwilling partner, or err..sheep for example. We human need sex to regulate our hormones and hence become healthier. You know when your boss is being bitchy in the office because she was not getting any the night before, if you catch my drift. It's a mood elevator as well, works better than prozac I dare say. Tell me how much calories one burns sex-ercising?

I am not going to touch the religious aspect of it, you leave it up to the ulamaks, you'll never be able to experience a fellatio without having an image of you burning in hell just before orgasm. But apart from that, I think sex should practice in a healthy manner, medically and ethically. Talking about it certainly helps increasing our knowlege and the practice of sex itself. Look what I've learned since my "one dip orgasm theory" !!
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Happy Valentine's Day??

Damn! It's that time of the year again...It's Valentine's Day. Rats!! It's a fantastic time for those who have someone to flaunt their affection with. But for a singleton like me...hmmm...it's a day that nudges me in the ribs to say smugly, "you are alone still, while the rest of the world is celebrating.". Well, I am celibating, if you can just ignore the absence of the letter "r" and stop poking me with the fact that I am without the love of my life?!!

Come to think of it, Valentine's Day become suddenly meaningful to me, not because it's meaningful per se, rather because it didn't use to be special, when I was with someone and the same day turn out to be annoyingly significant when I am single again. In fact, we, my hubby and me, never bothered acknowleging Valentine's Day as we could not really work out what it means. I mean, when you're in love, everyday is valentine's day. You don't need to have one day you declare to be special and go all out to get roses that will cost three fold its normal price just to prove your love.

It was one of those ordinary day, when my hubby came up to me one and presented me with what he claimed to be "the most unique flower on earth that no one could ever thought of presenting to their loved ones". I was overjoyed with his words (then again he could describe hell in such a manner that it made me look forward to go to hell...no, he was not a diplomat), adoringly sniffed the bunga kantan wrapped in beautiful wrapping paper and gave him one of that kiss that was potentially lethal and contradicting family planning.

Valentine's Day is like a day to more like reiterate rather than remind the singletons that they are singletons. I am reminded everytime I turn on the TV or radio. It makes you want to find that cupid and slap it stupid.

It's a day when it means nothing until it means something. It's like playing tennis, you always have something to complain about your tennis mate, until you end up playing with the wall. Dang!!

Ah well. Happy Valentine's Day to the people who are lucky enough to qualify to celebrate it. And for those of you singletons out there, remember how Valentine's Day use to not mean anything when you had that special someone. That will at least get you through tomorrow. But for those of you, who are singleton, and Valentine's Day use to mean everything....oh, stop whining and grow up!! Otherwise, get drunk or sedated. It's only until tomorrow when the whole world will shut up about it...Thank God Valentine's Day is not like fasting month, and that it's just one day.......
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So how now?

Okay. I do not date married men, full stop. (for God's and our sakes, please read the article prior to this if you need to decipher what I'm about to babble about). Now that I've proven that I have some portion of principals, when it comes to relationships, where does that leave me? What do people like me do now? I can imagine how Patrick Teoh in his blog "Niamah" would put it, "So, how now?"

I'm in my forties, and most men my age group are married. It doesn't help that there is a shortage of men in Malaysia. Why I say there is a shortage of men, is because, statistics show that there are more women than men of my age or anywhere 5 years plus minus. To make matters worse, probably a quarter of this extincting males species are gays. Just what we women need. Gender confused homo sapiens... And by gay I don't mean "happy", please keep up with the time people. The rest are either ;
A) happily married
B) not so happily married and looking for escapism and blame it on the hormones then call it a midlife crisis,
C) married but desperately wanting to be single again but don't have the balls to do anything about it or even if they do have the balls, cannot afford a divorce,
D) unmarried but have "internal problems" hindering them from sustaining any relationship,
E)unmarried but have "external problems" hindering them from sustaining any relationship...
F) unmarried and they are the problem

My, my. The list seem to go on, it's no wonder there are women who take matters into their own hands (well, women have long benefited from the women's liberation movements and are learning to DIY, just like men, and of course, it is the age of technology you know....) or just settle by way of nature, and become lesbians. It is known that nature has it's ways of "sorting things out" as evidenced by some fish species that are capable of changing gender when situations require them to do so. They give "go fuck yourself" a more meaningful term I guess.

How do I go about this matter? Well, I settled it by being truely muhibbah and open minded. I started dating men younger than me regardless of race or beliefs, I do not really fancy dating too old a man, even if they are sinfully rich, because, I know this sounds unfair, but I would like to marry someone someday who I do not have to get up in the middle of the night, wondering whether had he stopped snoring because medical science had cured him, or whether he had passed on. At least with younger men, my only worry is not sleeping with a corpse without even realising it, but instead, the sleepwalking some men do to the maid's room. Besides, it's a bit risky when you get involved with old men taking viagra. You may not be able to differentiate between a scream of pleasure, or a scream for help from a cardiac arrest!!

Well, at least that was what I used to do, dated men. Nowadays, I've grown jaded of the dating scene and have decided to just let destiny try fiddle it's fingers on my life. See where this leads me. Why I am jaded, well, stay tuned to my writings. You'd probably learn something out of my experience, I hope.

It is true what they say about love. The miracle of love is to love and be loved in returned. It happened to me once, who knows, true love may find me the second time around. All I've got to do in the meantime,is to fiddle my G-spot occasionally, just to remind me it's still functioning and to keep the motor running just in case, sometime in the future, I may need to reactivate it. I hope I won't grow tired of technology, just like Justin Timberlake in his song.. I may be transiently out of the dating scene, and sleeping soundly without a hubby snoring into my brains, but I am strangely, contented. I am alone again, naturally. But for now, I'm not hopeless, just hopeful.......
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I am damsel in distress, but please don't save me...

Ask me. Go ahead. "Who are the easiest men to get in KL?". At spinal level, most singleton like me would answer,"the married men". Honestly, I just don't get it. What is it about unavailable men and single women? Wait, let me rephrase that, "unavailable men and women, single or not.".

Greed? Escapism? Horny? Men are horny most of the time. That cannot be just it. They are so horny, their dicks are called ''the other head", because after some time, "the other head" will take over "the actual head" in decision making. When the other head over rules the actual head, there will be headaches for everyone else around him. No? Explain Anna Nicole Smith to me. See. I rest my case .

I learn that being a widow, there are many men, but especially unavailable malay men, who felt obliged to come save me. Save me from what, I still cannot figure that one out, considering my pay is double,probably tripple theirs. If not, I am self sufficient. I need empathy, not charity, thank you. Save me from opportunistic men? Well, then stop calling me after 10pm then. Save me from thieves in the middle of the night? I've got my alarm system set up, thank you. If saving me means making me the second or third wife,or mistress, again, thank you but I'd rather be alone, than at a threat of a raging 1st wife. Now that is dangerous and need saving from.



I just don't get women who get involve with married men. What are they thinking? Or perhaps it is the contrary, that they are not thinking. What do you stand or hope to achieve? That he's going to leave his wife for you because after 20 years, and after meeting you, he suddenly wake up one fine morning, with his wife still beside him in bed, and realizes that you are the one for him and that his wife is not. Then how do you explain the 4 kids he is sharing with the wife? Are they mistakes too?

What makes you so sure that he won't turn a fickle mind on you, 20 years after he left his first wife, and married you and find another woman who he finally think is his actual soul mate, most likely 10 to 20years younger than you? He did it once, he can always change his mind again. After all, it's just his mind. If it is really soul mates these men are searching for, how come they hardly, by statistics, found it in older women with boobs that had given up the long time battle with gravity?

Relationships, that go the distance, comprises of pillars such as trust, respect, love, understanding. How can one build a relationship when the first grounds laid is flaky. Trust. How can a woman trust a man who have had the history of cheating on his wife, with you? You know he cannot be trusted. You will always, at the back of your mind know, even you you do not show it, that he cannot be trusted.

Of course there are unavailable men out there who prey on vulnarable women, not revealing their marital status until the woman is way in too deep into the emotional aspect of the relationship. Still, ask yourselves, was that love based on something pure, or lies? The next step is more difficult to do and that would be overcoming yourself to do the most decent thing any woman could do, when she finds out the man had lied to her, no matter what bull shit excuse he gave her, and that is to walk out of the whole thing before more destruction is done.

I was married once upon a time. My late hubby experience some midlife crisis and had an affair with another woman. I had my suspicion but it was only after he died, when I went through his possessions, that I found the evidence. My only regret at the time, was, he died from a tragic accident earlier, and I was deprived of the opportunity to strangle him with my own bare hands..But during the time we were squabling about "the other woman", he told me straight on my face, "no matter what happens, I love you and I will never leave you". It's not even a matter of believing him, I knew he meant it.

Two things;

1. A man may be playing around for whatever reasons or excuses imaginable, but when they have to choose, will seldom leave their family for the other woman. Even more so for those who have to suffer financially, should there be a divorce. If they do, it just goes to prove he is unworthy and hardly a trophy to whoever it is that have "won" him.

2. I know exactly how painful it is to know that your husband is having an affair with another woman. I could still recall the chest tightness, the difficulty in breathing and the spinning of the world around me as the axis, when I first found out. I cannot inflict the same torture to any other woman. Perhaps that is where I got my empathy, and hitherto, despite being single again for quite some time, have made it a rule of thumb, not to even consider going out with a married man.

The first thing I'd ask a man when he asks me out on a date would be, "are you married". The standard answer so far has been, "yes, but errr.....". In my mind, the "err..." is not my problem and I shall not make it my problem. Settle your "err" and come back see me say 4 years after you've gotten over your "err". Because, ladies, "err" of a married man is as good as "no praabbllleeem" of some of the Indians in India. It's a synonym to "yes, problems".

So ladies, listen to your mamas when they say, "you don't go and break people's marriage and get involve with a married man". Remember, mom knows best. Getting involved with married men is pointless, unless you're as desperate..

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Alone again, naturally....

I am a widow. I hated every minute of it. It's been 7years, 4months, 26days and 12hours since my late hubby passed away in a tragic accident. Or was it 22days? Then again, who's keeping track. I guess that is why they call it "tragic". It's tragic to the people involved in the accident, even more so tragic to the widows, orphans, families and friends they left behind, emotionally. As for the widow, it is quite an adaptation. One day you are someone's wife, the next day, you are a widow.

Looking back, I cannot decide which situation I hated most. The fact that I am suddenly left alone without my soul mate, or the fact that society made it harder on me to be comfortable being alone. I am talking in context of Malaysian scenario. I think it is easier to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life in the sense of getting another partner in life, if you are a Westerner, rather if you are an Asian, comparatively ,I think. And they say divorcees suffer society's ridicule even more so. Widow's gets more sympathy because "it is not their fault that they are seperated". Then again, I have trouble comprehending why divorce is anyone's fault.

You know what I hate most about being single again? You go to a kenduri and people start asking you the famous question," bila nak cari ganti"? (when are you remarrying again?). Everytime someone ask me that question, I cringe inside, and I always hope first and foremost, that she (normally it is the she rather than the he) does not have the capability of reading my mind, or reading my facial expression. Because if she could, she will get this answer," Oh, it is so easy to replace a husband nowadays. All you got to do is wreck someone's marriage, by becoming the, well, at least 2nd wife, or the much less hypocritical non muslim men, their mistress. Or perhaps just get married for the heck of getting married, and settle with loosers, or emotionally unstable recycled men(now, stay tuned for this topic sometime soon) , workaholics, commitment phobics, gay men looking for camourflage marriage, straight men who have sexual dysfunction or whatever it is that make them loose their self confidence, etc...etc.....". But to avoid being rude and wrecking the harmony of someone's party, the standard answer would be,"tak de jodoh lagi". ( No calling yet ).

Having survived and acquired to skill to handle "the question", I slowly realized, that being single again, isn't that bad after all. For starters, I no longer have to put up with that dreadful snore. I bet no one dare say this, but in actual truth, when you work at odd hours and is deprived of precious sleep, the sound of snore may trigger transient insanity so much so, there will be moments when you actually look at the source of that annoying sound, wondering where all that love had gone to, in the dim light, thinking, for just that brief moment, again thinking, will you be able to get away with smouldering a pillow over that source of intolerable decibel by pleading temporary insanity in the court of law.

After all, there was a case in Holland whereby a wife got away with murdering the husband based on transient insanity due to PMS ( that's pre menstrual stress for those who obviously do not suffer from the PMS to not have know what the abbreviation means, or suffer being around insufferable women who suffer the PMS).


Just when I was about to get into comfy zone with being single in society, then shit would normally happen. I will be reminded, that single women are seen by most married women as "weapon of mass destruction". I remember an incident at the club, whereby a lady was very taken in with my daughter and wants her daughter to spend more time together when they are at the club. She kept contacting me to make sure arrangements were made for these two girls to be in the same tennis classes etc.. ( Maybe she thought her daughter may be more like mine . Daaaaaahling...you only catch the flu, not people's contagious personalities and intelligence. That's what one acquires...). I remember her asking about my husband at some point of our brief encounter. It was when she learned that I am a widow, that her call stopped coming.

But what goes around comes around I guess. One fine day, I attended a function and walla, somehow, I ended up sitting beside , guess who? Not the lady with the no-personality-gene to pass down to her daughter, but , walla!! her husband!!! I took one look at him and wondered, in all honesty, what was the reason for her insecurities?? There is a God that night however. I came with a drop dead georgeous date. It really helped that my date was a male. Somehow rather, her phone calls returned. I decided to let it ring, simply because I had a very nice ring tone and I enjoyed listening to it, before dunking her when I changed to a new number.

What is it about not all, but many married women and their insecurities? I agree that there are some women out there who'd stop at nothing to get a husband. Some find it challenging to get someone else's. These women normally look for rich and successful men. After all, if you want to go through all that trouble wrecking up a marriage, might as well make it worthwhile right? Otherwise, it cannot be love, because love is not about demanding, it's about giving. You cannot destroy a marriage, and trust a man who leaves his wife for another women, because, you of all people will know, that he may repeat that habit when he's married to you. The distrust will always be at the back of your mind. What kind of a relationship is built on distrust? Think about it.

But not all single women do that. There are decent singletons who awaits for recycled men to come clean with their problems, and start a new relationship. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you choose to see it, in Asean setting, marriage is considered to be sacred. It's good, in a way because both husband and wife will give their all in a marriage. But people change, and grow through time. It is the law of the universe, that nothing stays stagnant. It is the ability of a couple to adapt to these changes that will ascertain the longevity of a marriage/relationship, whether it will go the distance. This requires a lot of love, trust,loyalty,compromise, understanding and patience. And trust me, great sex is a big plus point too. Most importantly, all this could only happen if two people have made a decision and decide to stick to it.

I guess, that is what they mean by, "thru thick and thin"

My point? Well, if you are married, and have accomplished all that with your partner in life, why the insecurity? Even more so, why take that insecurities on others?

I read this somewhere. Marriage is a false sense of security. I have to agree. Two people in love, and lucky enough to be married, must not fall into the too secure mode because that is when they start taking each other for granted. I guess we must practice a little bit of insecurity and throw in a little bit of jealousy to keep the fire burning. But overdoing it is totally unnecessary. It could backfire and kill the love, trust and marriage.

Someone told me, that the secret to a good marriage, is good conversation. I agree totally, but in this millenium, we've got to start adding "good shags and quickies" to the list too. Hey, what did I tell you about human evolution? We need to keep up with times.

What happened to my date that night, you ask me? We are so compatible and would have been married instantly, had he not been a gay. He enjoys (notice the present tense?) the privilege of being my camouflage boyfriend. That is why gays are women's best friends. The sex part do not get in the way. Who say men and women cannot become best of friends?

Sometimes, when I sit and talk to people who face marital/relationship problems, I've come to realize, that, there are many married couple out there who actually wish that they are single again. Some have the courage to settle their problems. Some don't. Some, don't bother. Some can't even though they try. Whatever the reasons are, I sense that there are married people who envy my position of being single again.

At the end of the day, I discovered one thing. You do not need a partner/husband/wife to make you happy. Happiness comes from within. But if you do find that soul mate/companion that you can build a life together, for as long as it takes, then that is a bonus in life. And all you need to do next is to take good care of that gift, and be grateful that you are amongst the lucky ones to be blessed by it.

To all the widows, divorcees out there, trust me when I say, there is life after death. Being alone doesn't mean you are lonely. Well, perhaps at times, but I felt lonely even when I was in a marriage. I guess, happiness does not solely come from having a spouse, rather, happiness comes from within. If you have that special person to share that happiness with, then by god it's a gift, treasure it.
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