I am damsel in distress, but please don't save me...

Ask me. Go ahead. "Who are the easiest men to get in KL?". At spinal level, most singleton like me would answer,"the married men". Honestly, I just don't get it. What is it about unavailable men and single women? Wait, let me rephrase that, "unavailable men and women, single or not.".

Greed? Escapism? Horny? Men are horny most of the time. That cannot be just it. They are so horny, their dicks are called ''the other head", because after some time, "the other head" will take over "the actual head" in decision making. When the other head over rules the actual head, there will be headaches for everyone else around him. No? Explain Anna Nicole Smith to me. See. I rest my case .

I learn that being a widow, there are many men, but especially unavailable malay men, who felt obliged to come save me. Save me from what, I still cannot figure that one out, considering my pay is double,probably tripple theirs. If not, I am self sufficient. I need empathy, not charity, thank you. Save me from opportunistic men? Well, then stop calling me after 10pm then. Save me from thieves in the middle of the night? I've got my alarm system set up, thank you. If saving me means making me the second or third wife,or mistress, again, thank you but I'd rather be alone, than at a threat of a raging 1st wife. Now that is dangerous and need saving from.



I just don't get women who get involve with married men. What are they thinking? Or perhaps it is the contrary, that they are not thinking. What do you stand or hope to achieve? That he's going to leave his wife for you because after 20 years, and after meeting you, he suddenly wake up one fine morning, with his wife still beside him in bed, and realizes that you are the one for him and that his wife is not. Then how do you explain the 4 kids he is sharing with the wife? Are they mistakes too?

What makes you so sure that he won't turn a fickle mind on you, 20 years after he left his first wife, and married you and find another woman who he finally think is his actual soul mate, most likely 10 to 20years younger than you? He did it once, he can always change his mind again. After all, it's just his mind. If it is really soul mates these men are searching for, how come they hardly, by statistics, found it in older women with boobs that had given up the long time battle with gravity?

Relationships, that go the distance, comprises of pillars such as trust, respect, love, understanding. How can one build a relationship when the first grounds laid is flaky. Trust. How can a woman trust a man who have had the history of cheating on his wife, with you? You know he cannot be trusted. You will always, at the back of your mind know, even you you do not show it, that he cannot be trusted.

Of course there are unavailable men out there who prey on vulnarable women, not revealing their marital status until the woman is way in too deep into the emotional aspect of the relationship. Still, ask yourselves, was that love based on something pure, or lies? The next step is more difficult to do and that would be overcoming yourself to do the most decent thing any woman could do, when she finds out the man had lied to her, no matter what bull shit excuse he gave her, and that is to walk out of the whole thing before more destruction is done.

I was married once upon a time. My late hubby experience some midlife crisis and had an affair with another woman. I had my suspicion but it was only after he died, when I went through his possessions, that I found the evidence. My only regret at the time, was, he died from a tragic accident earlier, and I was deprived of the opportunity to strangle him with my own bare hands..But during the time we were squabling about "the other woman", he told me straight on my face, "no matter what happens, I love you and I will never leave you". It's not even a matter of believing him, I knew he meant it.

Two things;

1. A man may be playing around for whatever reasons or excuses imaginable, but when they have to choose, will seldom leave their family for the other woman. Even more so for those who have to suffer financially, should there be a divorce. If they do, it just goes to prove he is unworthy and hardly a trophy to whoever it is that have "won" him.

2. I know exactly how painful it is to know that your husband is having an affair with another woman. I could still recall the chest tightness, the difficulty in breathing and the spinning of the world around me as the axis, when I first found out. I cannot inflict the same torture to any other woman. Perhaps that is where I got my empathy, and hitherto, despite being single again for quite some time, have made it a rule of thumb, not to even consider going out with a married man.

The first thing I'd ask a man when he asks me out on a date would be, "are you married". The standard answer so far has been, "yes, but errr.....". In my mind, the "err..." is not my problem and I shall not make it my problem. Settle your "err" and come back see me say 4 years after you've gotten over your "err". Because, ladies, "err" of a married man is as good as "no praabbllleeem" of some of the Indians in India. It's a synonym to "yes, problems".

So ladies, listen to your mamas when they say, "you don't go and break people's marriage and get involve with a married man". Remember, mom knows best. Getting involved with married men is pointless, unless you're as desperate..

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Alone again, naturally....

I am a widow. I hated every minute of it. It's been 7years, 4months, 26days and 12hours since my late hubby passed away in a tragic accident. Or was it 22days? Then again, who's keeping track. I guess that is why they call it "tragic". It's tragic to the people involved in the accident, even more so tragic to the widows, orphans, families and friends they left behind, emotionally. As for the widow, it is quite an adaptation. One day you are someone's wife, the next day, you are a widow.

Looking back, I cannot decide which situation I hated most. The fact that I am suddenly left alone without my soul mate, or the fact that society made it harder on me to be comfortable being alone. I am talking in context of Malaysian scenario. I think it is easier to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life in the sense of getting another partner in life, if you are a Westerner, rather if you are an Asian, comparatively ,I think. And they say divorcees suffer society's ridicule even more so. Widow's gets more sympathy because "it is not their fault that they are seperated". Then again, I have trouble comprehending why divorce is anyone's fault.

You know what I hate most about being single again? You go to a kenduri and people start asking you the famous question," bila nak cari ganti"? (when are you remarrying again?). Everytime someone ask me that question, I cringe inside, and I always hope first and foremost, that she (normally it is the she rather than the he) does not have the capability of reading my mind, or reading my facial expression. Because if she could, she will get this answer," Oh, it is so easy to replace a husband nowadays. All you got to do is wreck someone's marriage, by becoming the, well, at least 2nd wife, or the much less hypocritical non muslim men, their mistress. Or perhaps just get married for the heck of getting married, and settle with loosers, or emotionally unstable recycled men(now, stay tuned for this topic sometime soon) , workaholics, commitment phobics, gay men looking for camourflage marriage, straight men who have sexual dysfunction or whatever it is that make them loose their self confidence, etc...etc.....". But to avoid being rude and wrecking the harmony of someone's party, the standard answer would be,"tak de jodoh lagi". ( No calling yet ).

Having survived and acquired to skill to handle "the question", I slowly realized, that being single again, isn't that bad after all. For starters, I no longer have to put up with that dreadful snore. I bet no one dare say this, but in actual truth, when you work at odd hours and is deprived of precious sleep, the sound of snore may trigger transient insanity so much so, there will be moments when you actually look at the source of that annoying sound, wondering where all that love had gone to, in the dim light, thinking, for just that brief moment, again thinking, will you be able to get away with smouldering a pillow over that source of intolerable decibel by pleading temporary insanity in the court of law.

After all, there was a case in Holland whereby a wife got away with murdering the husband based on transient insanity due to PMS ( that's pre menstrual stress for those who obviously do not suffer from the PMS to not have know what the abbreviation means, or suffer being around insufferable women who suffer the PMS).


Just when I was about to get into comfy zone with being single in society, then shit would normally happen. I will be reminded, that single women are seen by most married women as "weapon of mass destruction". I remember an incident at the club, whereby a lady was very taken in with my daughter and wants her daughter to spend more time together when they are at the club. She kept contacting me to make sure arrangements were made for these two girls to be in the same tennis classes etc.. ( Maybe she thought her daughter may be more like mine . Daaaaaahling...you only catch the flu, not people's contagious personalities and intelligence. That's what one acquires...). I remember her asking about my husband at some point of our brief encounter. It was when she learned that I am a widow, that her call stopped coming.

But what goes around comes around I guess. One fine day, I attended a function and walla, somehow, I ended up sitting beside , guess who? Not the lady with the no-personality-gene to pass down to her daughter, but , walla!! her husband!!! I took one look at him and wondered, in all honesty, what was the reason for her insecurities?? There is a God that night however. I came with a drop dead georgeous date. It really helped that my date was a male. Somehow rather, her phone calls returned. I decided to let it ring, simply because I had a very nice ring tone and I enjoyed listening to it, before dunking her when I changed to a new number.

What is it about not all, but many married women and their insecurities? I agree that there are some women out there who'd stop at nothing to get a husband. Some find it challenging to get someone else's. These women normally look for rich and successful men. After all, if you want to go through all that trouble wrecking up a marriage, might as well make it worthwhile right? Otherwise, it cannot be love, because love is not about demanding, it's about giving. You cannot destroy a marriage, and trust a man who leaves his wife for another women, because, you of all people will know, that he may repeat that habit when he's married to you. The distrust will always be at the back of your mind. What kind of a relationship is built on distrust? Think about it.

But not all single women do that. There are decent singletons who awaits for recycled men to come clean with their problems, and start a new relationship. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you choose to see it, in Asean setting, marriage is considered to be sacred. It's good, in a way because both husband and wife will give their all in a marriage. But people change, and grow through time. It is the law of the universe, that nothing stays stagnant. It is the ability of a couple to adapt to these changes that will ascertain the longevity of a marriage/relationship, whether it will go the distance. This requires a lot of love, trust,loyalty,compromise, understanding and patience. And trust me, great sex is a big plus point too. Most importantly, all this could only happen if two people have made a decision and decide to stick to it.

I guess, that is what they mean by, "thru thick and thin"

My point? Well, if you are married, and have accomplished all that with your partner in life, why the insecurity? Even more so, why take that insecurities on others?

I read this somewhere. Marriage is a false sense of security. I have to agree. Two people in love, and lucky enough to be married, must not fall into the too secure mode because that is when they start taking each other for granted. I guess we must practice a little bit of insecurity and throw in a little bit of jealousy to keep the fire burning. But overdoing it is totally unnecessary. It could backfire and kill the love, trust and marriage.

Someone told me, that the secret to a good marriage, is good conversation. I agree totally, but in this millenium, we've got to start adding "good shags and quickies" to the list too. Hey, what did I tell you about human evolution? We need to keep up with times.

What happened to my date that night, you ask me? We are so compatible and would have been married instantly, had he not been a gay. He enjoys (notice the present tense?) the privilege of being my camouflage boyfriend. That is why gays are women's best friends. The sex part do not get in the way. Who say men and women cannot become best of friends?

Sometimes, when I sit and talk to people who face marital/relationship problems, I've come to realize, that, there are many married couple out there who actually wish that they are single again. Some have the courage to settle their problems. Some don't. Some, don't bother. Some can't even though they try. Whatever the reasons are, I sense that there are married people who envy my position of being single again.

At the end of the day, I discovered one thing. You do not need a partner/husband/wife to make you happy. Happiness comes from within. But if you do find that soul mate/companion that you can build a life together, for as long as it takes, then that is a bonus in life. And all you need to do next is to take good care of that gift, and be grateful that you are amongst the lucky ones to be blessed by it.

To all the widows, divorcees out there, trust me when I say, there is life after death. Being alone doesn't mean you are lonely. Well, perhaps at times, but I felt lonely even when I was in a marriage. I guess, happiness does not solely come from having a spouse, rather, happiness comes from within. If you have that special person to share that happiness with, then by god it's a gift, treasure it.
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