Not While I'm Around...

I remember his 70ish birthday (well, past 40 everyone just don't bother counting any more). I gave him a card attached to his birthday gift. I wrote in the card,
" Men may come and men may go, but you will forever remain the man in my life"
Men of few words, he did not know how to react, I can see that it was so obvious. But when there were lack of words, his expression made up for it. What I saw was priceless.

He would be the one who will come for me when I'm in need. There is no time barrier when it comes to me. I'd get my tyre punctured and he'd drop everything and come to my rescue. So I had to learn how to change my own tyres, just so that I won't become a burden to the old man.
He would be the one standing behind watching over me even without me realizing it. Perhaps the reason why I feel so emotionally stable, no matter how bad things can go wrong, only because I know he will be there for me. Never once, even when I hurt him in some occasion that he turn his back on me. That alone is a soothing thought.

I remember when I was a teenager, I came home grumbling about some punk disturbing me on the road. I haven't even finish my sentence when I saw him heading towards his parang while asking, "Where is he?". I panicked because I thought we all do not need the scene as I could handle the situation quite well. I just needed to grumble to release my irritation by ranting, that's what we women do. We just need to have someone listen to our rantings, not so much of wanting a solution. Oh, by the way, didn't I handle the son of a bitch who thought he could get away with being fresh with me...but that is another story. Whatever he had done, I didn't think that he deserved to get chopped into pieces...which I know my dad will never in a million years hurt a single soul. He never laid his hands on us. It's the threatening that gets the job done actually. It definitely worked with his teenagers, why wouldn't it work with other peoples' teenagers.

Even today, I'd come back surprised by a repaired kitchen sink, or newly fixed rack I've wanted to put up but never seem to find the time to, or even find my bulbs changed. It's like having a handy man only more sincere in his work...actually, it's more like having a personal guardian angel....


He's educated but do not abuse his intelligence by insulting others'. I remember coming home to numerous hampers nearing the Hari Raya, only to find out that we were not to even so much as touch them because they were to be returned as soon as possible. I still recall the frustration we felt and I could have sworn the utilization of a transparent material for wrapping was done on purpose. It would have been less painful not to see what it was that we could have possessed or eaten rather than to have a peek only to leave our imagination unsatisfied.

He doesn't know how to suck up to his superior so he got to his post simply by hard work. He loathe asking others for professional favors. He hated interviewing people for a job because he hated turning them down. I remember he would not eat or sleep properly at one point, and we even heard the nightmares. He did it only once and refused the job after that. He came from a poor family. His father was a KTM laborer and he had 13 siblings, 1 died at an early age, and two more died giving birth. He would never fail to remind us in his own ways, the importance of staying grounded and humble.

I remember hating asking him for things I want, not what I need, at times. For a mere something that cost say RM5, I will have to justify my wanting. Otherwise, the story that came out of his mouth just to earn the something, were never happy ones.

For instance, I once wanted a new color pencil simply because I wanted a new one..hey I was a kid...,. My old ones were 3/4 used but there were the merely used ones and I thought I'd have a new set altogether, simply because I know my dad can afford it. He started telling me his childhood story, how he used to walked about 10 miles through the jungle to town. He would quietly sneak to take a peek into the dustbins of each of the houses belonging to the, well, relatively well to do, to find any remnants of usable color pencils, pencils, rubbers etc, to collect and use himself at school.


I remember that I would cry while he narrated me the sad story and my desire for something new just died there and then. Odd enough, he was not consistent with his actions. A few weeks later, he would take me to the shop to get a new color pencil. I was happy naturally. One for getting a new color pencil and two, much much later in life, I am happy that in his sadistic ways, he taught me the difference between needs and wants. I still go shopping for things I don't need occasionally, mainly to celebrate something. I know it's okay if I can afford it, but sometimes things can go out of hand, especially when credit card in in the hands...oh, but I do feel a pinch of guilt at times...that's improvement no?

I blame him for my difficulty in finding a decent spouse. Subconsciously, I tend to measure any guy I would want as my partner to him. Later, I found out, I stand a better chance if I lower my standards down by a quarter. Oh well, a gal need some TLC and no other man will ever love you as much as your own father. Same goes to mothers, although some mothers have problems of letting go, ergo contribute one of the leading causes of modern time divorce.

I love my parents. Well, the love did not grow overnight, or rather, was not realized overnight. I use to not really like them when I was a teenager. Then again, that was me, not them. The older I get, the more I understand why it was me, and not them. I began thanking God and them for being hard on me. I think, all children will grow up to be masochists...they will thank their parents for making their teenage lives miserable.


A disturbing thought would be loosing them at one point of my life. I know, that even though my mind tells me it's natural, my heart will never be ready for that moment...I learn one thing when my husband passed away. That we need to love that person when they are alive, not take for granted that they know you love them. But that is another story.


I always console my patients when they loose their parents. I will tell them that we will loose our parents ultimately. But how we treat them before they leave matters a lot, because parting knowing that they are loved, not just in words, but in deeds, is indeed the loveliest way to say goodbye.


Being a single parent, I can now relate to how my father felt about me. After all, I'm the father and the mother to my daughter...If there is any song for my dad to dedicate to me, even if he never says it, being a man of few words, at least he made me feel it; or for me to dedicate to my parents and my daughter, it will be this one ...there are many versions to this song, but I love the way Jamie Cullum sang it....enjoy the video...






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