Alice in Widowland...

Some people live in Wonderland. I live in Widowland. In Wonderland, you get lost in wonderment, in Widowland, some people would want you to just get lost. Yes, I am a widow. I’ve been a widow for the past nearly a decade hitherto. I hate every minute of it. I don’t hate my life per se, in fact far from it. My life is perfect, even when it’s not. Oh no. It is not my life I hate in Widowland. I hate the fact that society, well some of them, insisted that when it comes to socializing, I am to be avoided like a leper. Some tend to stay away, the moment they hear the word “widow”. Some even show their lack of empathy when they make those lame “janda jokes”. Things always look funny when they don’t happen to you. But I’m not mean. I do not wish for anyone to end up in Widowhood . If I have my wish, I would wish for people to have empathy, so that we will never make fun of other people’s mishaps.

When you’re a widow, namely a Malay widow, trying to blend into society, on the surface, everything seems A-okay, and everyone is friendly and nice. But when you take the friendship to the next level, for example including you in their circle of invitations, or inviting you to their homes, most of the time, you’ll be the last one standing. It’s not like I want to go to those gatherings anyway, I don’t really appreciate being looked upon like a giraffe in the zoo, the single species, all eyes rolling from the top of my head right down to my toe, overwhelming with what look like pity. Or is it really pity? It would be nice to get invited in the first place, just so I can most likely politely decline. I know, this doesn’t make sense, but this is my life.

I’m not talking about everyone in society. Some are really nice people and the women do not mind widows talking to their husbands, and not worry that their hubbies would fall in love with me upon one conversation and we would end up in the sack, or worst, eventually elope (well, which one is worst depends on your priorities in life). That’s the best thing about being single. You can have sex with anyone and anything, donkeys included……if you want to (hey, I said ‘if you want to’) because you don’t have a better half to hurt. “Why buy a whole pig when you can settle for just the sausages”, so the saying goes. So why on earth would any sane widow want to sleep with someone else’s husband, let alone get emotionally involved with them? It’s just so lame, not to mention pointless.

That is why I am more comfortable in the company of the non-Malays because somehow rather I am not made to feel like an outcast, just because I’m single and fabulous. The latter is really not helping, to the eyes of the insecure. Well, I can’t help being fabulous can I?

I had this one incident at the club a couple of years back. Mrs. X’s daughter and her mom took a liking to my daughter, then 9 years old. Mrs. X would insist that her daughter and mine enroll in the same tennis and swimming class together. There were times when she would call me to the point of stalking. But the moment she learned that I’m a single parent, the calls suddenly stopped coming, to my relief actually, because I have this problems with clingy beings….I just don’t like them clinging onto me..it’s suffocating.

But there is the truth in that term “There is a god after all”, because Karma saw my dignity reinstated. (“dignity” as in her context). I took the most handsomest looking guy and fun too, to a cocktail dinner where Jit Murad performed a live stand up comedy, and for once, the comedy was live in the sense that I had a good laugh at the live scene, unplugged, when the widow-phobic lady’s husband sat right beside me at the round dinner table. I SMS-ed my date from under the table and he was sporting enough to put on a live show, a demonstration of affection, for the jealous lady and her sad looking husband. Honestly, looking at her husband, I cannot decipher why on earth was she worried about? And oh, did I mention that my hunk date happened to be my gay friend? They are so handy, these gay friends.

Another thing, I hate the way most,Malay guys, especially the single ones thinks just because the world is in shortage of men, all women will be had at hello. Puuuhleeeezzzzz…let’s just leave the vomiting to morning sickness and to food poisoning shall we? This is the thing about Malay men, they think any women who are trying to be a little friendly with them, have the ulterior motive of tricking them into marriage. The guy Malay friends that I have today, are those from student days, and they know me too well, I value their platonic friendship more than anything else. Those who cannot comprehend the value of friendship, regardless of gender, color, religious belief, are those who act strangely and tend to keep the distance away. Maybe it is they themselves that they cannot trust. Well, obviously that is not my problem. It’s their lost…

It’s sad really. I am comfortable being single, and dare I say, happy. But society has it that they will not rest until they’ve figured widows out. Why had she not remarried? Is there something wrong with her? I should just go around wearing a T shirt that says, “SINGLE AND HAPPY. ARE YOU HAPPY BEING NON-SINGLE?” I have a high index suspicion that T-shirt will piss off many unhappy married couples. It’s the society, somehow insists that singleton is a pathetic way to be. How can I believe that when there are many married women coming into the clinic and crying their eyeballs off their sockets, narrating to me some of the most amazingly sad stories about their married life?


We don’t need the lame jokes. We don’t need a man to rescue us. We don’t need to have the authority to encourage Malay men to make single moms their second wives, or so forth, that is more of insulting, rather than helping. We don’t even need sympathy. What we badly need though, is a simple thing called “empathy”. Yes, that is all and the best part is, it does not cost anyone anything. Try to understand that even when sometimes we miss having a man in our lives, going all the way to jeopardize our integrity and values just to get another man, is not worth it. If you’ve experienced true love and marriage, then lost that, understand something; you won’t bother having a relationship just for the heck of having one…because not just any man will do.

Here's a song I dedicate to all single parents, men and women....there will be one of those days, when you will feel beaten down, jaded and lonely. But here's the good news...when you've hit bottom rock, there's no where else to go from that point except UP... stay strong and remember, you're not alone....God is with you...here's a beautiful song by Whitney, "I look to you"....