Cleaning Up My Closet

Sprint cleaning can be emotionally tiresome at times. More so when your spouse had just had passed on, leaving you with half a closet full of memories. It took me some time to clear my closet after the death of my husband. Actually, some time was about nearly 2 years. But I still have one or two of his shirts I hang in the closet, until about, last week.

My closet was totally cluttered and I realized, after nearly a decade past his death, I do not need material stuff to remind me he’s still well and alive in my memory. I’ve also realized, that I no longer need to block out the memory of him as I have tried hard to do but failed miserably for the past one decade, to protect myself from breaking down into little pieces. I dealt with my memories of him. I've learned to live with them.

I recall going through his stuff for the first time. In fact I did not manage to even look at it until after 6 months, without crying. It’s like every piece of stuff carries a memory of it’s own and while I was running my fingers caressing his shirts, his tie, flashes of incidents blared through my mind and again, I burst into sudden tears.

It took me 3 years until I could go through the photo albums without feeling a stab piercing through my heart, something eventually I’ve learned to live with.

Our marriage was not perfect, like any other marriages, we were thriving towards adaptation of two minds with separate and unique habits, finding their way around to be together under one roof, one bedroom, one bed. It’s the taming of two lives in search of harmony.

At one point, while going through his personal belongings, I stumbled upon an after morning pills, half a strip gone, used. It would have been bliss had I not known what those pills are and I’d mistaken them for mine. It’s just that, in my entire life, I have never used any contraceptive pills ever. He was adamant on not letting me consume hormonal pills and had volunteered to use the condoms instead. I was so touched by this gesture. It’s the small things that tell you he loves you a lot, and it screamed louder than the words “I love you”. But that pill just jerked me into the darkest corner of my mind. Basically, my heart was smashed to pieces.

The sound of two lovers fighting rang through my ears as I recall the nasty fights over him coming back late and that one past midnight phone call I caught him over my extension line with some bitch that changed the tempo of our marriage, the drunk driving that eventually cost him his life, the banging of the door, the screaming at each other, the making up after that just ricocheted through my mind as I ran my fingers through his possessions. It was then I had to remind myself, that he was just human and human makes mistakes. I may have forgiven him, but forgetting is much tougher.

I think, it is easier to go through the bad memories with anger, rather than going through fond ones. Anger helps me deal with the sadness, but good memories just make me miss him even more. Either way, I ended up crying.

There were days in the early part of his death when I use to lie in bed clinging on to the last shirt he wore so that I could still breath in the smell of him that lingered on that piece of material. It was a T Shirt worn just a day before the car accident. I remembered it as though it had just happened. I needed him to plant the banana tree and he was trying to get out of it by insisting that he’d only plant trees that will give out fruits, and not just for garden accessory purposes. With a poker face I insisted that it was a banana tree that gives out lots of fruits, and that lie actually worked, not in the sense that he bought it, but in the sense that I got my job done.

Next thing I know, he was digging a hole for me to plant the tree, of which I smugly did. He did, before performing the task said to me with a raised eyebrow and a suspicious eyes, “I know you’re lying to me sayang, but I’m going to dig this hole anyway”. I just gave him a cheeky smile like I always did when I manage to get away with things with him, like when I get caught wearing his underwear and I’d just shrug my shoulders, look him in the eye and say, almost purring, “yeah, so?”

Oh yes, if anything can kill, it’s cleaning up your closet when it is full of skull and daisies. Throughout the years, if there’s anything I’ve learned from cleaning up mine, is that there is no other way to carry on with life, until I’ve make peace with the bad memories, and cherish the good ones. After all, that was what “through thick and thin really meant”.

And after a while, you will no longer need to have his stuff enveloping you, as a reminder of the love you had for one another, and the life you build together, no matter how short it was. Cherish the moment, for the moment you have now, may not last forever. And if the beautiful moments do not last, there’s always the memories to carry within your hearts and your mind. You do not need to keep them in your closet.