Dating for Dummies?

If there is any book any singleton of 40 and above, yours truly, included, need to read right now, it would probably be "Dating for Dummies", or perhaps "Dating for Dummies : Reloaded"?. I may be one of those blessed without the need for a book titled, "Sex for Dummies"..( I said "for" not "with" folks....pay attention puhleeezzzz), albeit recent discoveries regarding Anwar's alleged backstreet boy Saifoool's alleged involvement with case prosecutor and some kind of Hello Pussy....I mean...Hello Kitty strap makes me doubt my capabilities, I definitely need the former book.

Yes, don't tell me, I know. "Dating for Dummies" is already out on the market and it's one of the top ten best sellers, (the dummies list) yes. Well, I guess people like me are the people who gives people like the author good income and judging by the fact that it's one of the top ten best seller, I guess I fall into the statistics of dummies who have forgotten how to date. It's not like I date bicycles, whereby you ride it once you will always remember how to erm...ride it.

One man's ignorance is another man's income huh?

But wait a minute. I think I'm in a more chronic state than this. I'm probably going to need a pre-sequel, "How to get a Date for Dummies". Oh wait, maybe "Recognizing a Date Offer for Dummies". How humiliating is that!!! But you know what is consoling? I know for a fact that there are many men and women out there have passed the big 40, re-single or just a chronic singleton, who share the same problem as me, if at all it should be considered a problem, since at this age, dating is optional.

Coming back to the more popularly needed book, this is why I think more people above 40 need the "How to get a Date For Dummies" book more than we do the former, especially if you are a woman.

Why do I say that? Well, perhaps because;

1. The book is written by western standards, and we're living in Malaysia. It's probably our tosey and our teh tarik that makes us more confused about dating. For Muslims, dating is further made complicated with the existence of Malaysian Inquisition which is worst than Spanish Inquisition...at least the Spanish won the World Cup although Malaysians would have won the Bookie of the Year Cup if they gave us the chance. Dating with 2 people is traumatizing enough for some of us, imagine if there are 8 extra pairs of eyes watching your every move. What they do with their free hands while watching is something that may boggle our minds.

2. In Malaysia, a few men, but especially women above 40 have problems finding dates. One because of she finds dating revolting, obviously from past unsuccessful experience. Two, it's because there are not many men out there. In case you haven't notice, the ratio of men: women would easily be 3:1 today. That simply means, 3 women to one man. I blame "The Secret" for this because while we women were busy shopping for bags and shoes, and wishing for more of those, men just sat there and wished for more women at one time happening in their lives. For those who have read "The Secret" there's no excuse for you not to get this dumb joke. On top of the sad ratio for women, the little amount of men left have suddenly discovered that they are gay. I mean, I have nothing against gay men, but , can't they be gay in some other century when there are many men around to be gay with? How selfish can men be?!!

3. Let's face it. Men are shallow creatures. And it's not even their fault that they are. After all, women are blessed with only one head, and we need not share the blood supply with accessory head like men. For this reason too, dating older single men are tougher because as they grow old, their brains have no choice but to grow with them hence sucking the blood supply back up leaving the lesser blood supply ruling the other head. It was easier all that blood was down there, because they become more enthusiastic about women in general.

Most men, divorced or widowed, would prefer to date younger women. It's not their fault that they don't find us "innocent" , "mysterious " ergo more "giggly". After all, once they've heard a woman nag, how different can that be...it's just blah...blah..blah (men have developed a sophisticated technique to selective hearing after some time and they have us to thank for it).......the mystery is dead from that point onwards. .and women in turn, if we've been with a man at least once, I mean, really, how different can a snore and a fart plus a snore sound like? In this scenario, very elderly couples who have sinus and hearing problems would have a more harmonious life together, since they can't hear nor smell each others' farts, less one thing to fight about.

And it's not our fault that we need a certain amount of blood level alcohol (or halal tapai for Muslims) to find some men's recycled jokes funny. It's also not our fault that we need KY jelly on top of the other "home improvement enhancement" purchases.

Yes, of course there are women who date younger men, (usually muscular ones.....to make up for the lack of 'muscle that actually counts' perhaps), but really, not every women like Demi Moore, able to afford the next 50 plastic surgeries. Suddenly Samantha's quote from Sex and The City, regarding dating young men came to mind:

"These young men, I don't know whether to blow them, or to burp them"


4. Men, especially Malay men are downright greedy. How many do you think are matured enough to divorce their first wife before they embark into a new relationship? For non Malays, the problem would be the cost of divorce. It's cheaper to live in a miserable lie called marriage than to go through a divorce. Malay men are of course the champion. They can live in up to maximum of 4 lies, and use Allah's name to justify their actions. Then again, some Malay woman would rather be miserable in a failed marriage, rather than become a "Janda" and a society's mockery. Even if they are true to themselves, some Malay men have problems letting go..(actually the problem is selfishness from an immature brain). Hence, there are not many circulating recycable re-singleton out there who can begin their life in search of true love and happiness in all honesty.

5. If you think being a singleton above 40 living in Malaysia and getting a decent date is tough, try being a single parent. You have to think of the safety of your kids that automatically supersedes your potential happiness of having a normal dating life. And bare in mind, not many people out there are as willing to accept a single parents' "baggage"...obviously these are shallow people who have no love for children. If you're one of them who do not have the ardent desire to have children,( which I think everyone's entitled to not comply to society's general needs, we are after all not created on earth just solely for the purpose of propagating forth,although many would dispute this remark) then I suppose this won't be a problem.

I think, the reason why people get so screwed up in their relationship is because they do not understand the basic rule to a relationship. We spend more time looking for romance or relationship that will hopefully end up in a marriage, that we have forgotten to look for companionship in our spouse. Most of the time, we are unable to differentiate between love, lust and infatuation. Some of us are lucky enough to find true love. The rest had to settle with falling in love with love. Then comes the next level. Marriage. Some are lucky enough to have found true love that ends up with a marriage. Most of us have to settle for marriage that is a false sense of security. Some gets married because they need to keep up with their scheduled plans in life. Some get married for the heck of it. The smart ones are the ones who refuse to succumb to society's pressure to committing the same stupidity they have committed and yet these are the people who are mocked to the bones. (if ever there are such expression of course)


My usual advice to my guy friends who ironically seek my advice on relationship (goodness gracious me...they don't have a single clue what they're getting themselves into!!) would be, "if you're looking for a soul mate, stop looking at her boobs and start looking at into her soul". For girlfriend who seek for my CON-sultation, I say to them, "if you're looking for a soul mate, stop looking at his cheque book, start looking into his soul".

Dating would be easy if love didn't get in the way though. L..O..V..E..four letter words that can really complicate a relationship. Because love makes us have expectations out of a relationship. Love makes us do stupid stuff that injures our self pride not to mention our ego. And the best part is, love demands a lot despite being something no one can even define. Don't ask me about love. I think I have forgotten how love feels like, I need tutoring. Let's not talk about love. Let's just talk about dating. We'll talk about love if ever we survive dating. But is love all that worth it? Last I remembered, hell ya!!

I remember during my younger days, dating was simply fun. But I recall that there were some who were serial daters, dating recklessly as though they are going for the Guinness World Book of Records. These must have read the wrong book, titled, "Dating for Dumbasses).

At this point in my writing, I would be amazed if you are still with me, because, frankly, I don't know where this article is going and I do apologize for the wild goose chase...

I'm sure for those singletons out there, who are just sick of dating like me, gets really apprehensive when someone you actually like ask you out on a date. It's like you're damn if you don't and damn if you do. Somehow rather, common sense and a not so impressive IQ would tell us that "damn if you don't " kind of like more damning than "damn if you do" right? Well, actually, that depends on how badly you got hurt in the last relationship and if you have had a good closure. If one is not ready, then "damn if you do" sounds like a reasonable protective choice for one's heart, for the survival of one's sanity and happiness.

But if one decides that "damn if you don't " is more damning, then comes the dejavu...."oh, what if ...what if..what if...." then the reopening of the Pandora Box...the Ex-Files comes next, all ricocheting through your mind while you're getting ready to go out on that potentially damning date. If that cannot cause impotence for both females and males, I don't know what else can...oh wait, i do..a date with Samy Velu or Rosmah...

And all this is happening BEFORE you go out on the actual date, if assuming after all that tiring thinking, we actually decide not to cancel the whole event. What you're suppose to do on a date is another topic altogether.

There are no rules to dating, although according to the book ( I read the synopsis, enough to know that unless my date is totally worth it, I'd opt for "damn if I do"), there are. Great, now we've got to read up just to go for date....as though all that lifetime studying that got us smart and into trouble in the first place is not enough. But through my experience, it's best to go as yourself. If the person do not like you, what makes you think he's going to like you after dating you a couple of times more and after we've run out of dating tactics.

On personal note, I wouldn't want to end up with a guy whom I need to play tricks on just to get him to like me. If he does not have the mental capacity of deduction and the tenacity to unveil the mystery of me, not to mention the guts to risk his ego for me, then I guess he's not that into me and I do not want to settle for anything less. That's what happens when someone found true earth shattering, I-can't live without you, heart pumping, mental bedazzling love. We don't settle for less. Kind of like the domestic cat who won't want to chase after the rats, when they've tasted the delicious Friskeys. It's a all or non law for us. And equally important is that I have the same effect on him. Otherwise, I don't want to be something he "just settles" for.

A partner who wants you for any other reason other than yourself, is not worth all that torment love may put you through from that point onwards. Somewhere down the line, something's got to give and no matter how smart you play the game of dating, it's going to end you up in a farce relationship that has no strong foundation to it. Simple rule. If he can't read through me, and I can't read through him, maybe we are just not meant to be together. Basil and tomatoes, unless they are rotten will make a delicious pair no matter how they are cooked. If he doesn't know what he wants, unless you are willing to become his guinea pig in the experiment called love, then move on gurrrl....nothing there for you.

Don't you just miss the good old days when dating seem to be the most natural thing besides picking our own noses and we actually look forward to it without premonition to the doom that lies after that? Those were the days when you have all the energy to throw caution into the air and put up with all the challenge romance, love and relationship throw at you. Nowadays, just thinking about dating makes me jaded. Maybe because luck bailed out and just dating for the heck of it is more of a mental and emotional drain than just fun?

Ah, alas! Wisdom was coursing through the veins of Oscar Wilde when he proclaimed, "Thinking kills Romance". Well folks, maybe we should just stop thinking too much and just go out there and date....errr....with calculated risk and by calculated risk I propose we stay away from people's husbands/wives/spouse/partner/some other gay or lesbian's partner, especially Rosmah's. We all know how THAT'S going to end...Trial and error perhaps?

Well folks, if all else fails, well, there's "Dating for Dummies".

P.S this post was written in a jest, kind of an uncut/unplug version. I won't take it seriously if I were you ;->

I leave you with my super favourite song .....sang by my super favourite singer, John Legend...enjoy :-D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MIpkE2lYmFs&feature=related