Alone again, naturally....

I am a widow. I hated every minute of it. It's been 7years, 4months, 26days and 12hours since my late hubby passed away in a tragic accident. Or was it 22days? Then again, who's keeping track. I guess that is why they call it "tragic". It's tragic to the people involved in the accident, even more so tragic to the widows, orphans, families and friends they left behind, emotionally. As for the widow, it is quite an adaptation. One day you are someone's wife, the next day, you are a widow.

Looking back, I cannot decide which situation I hated most. The fact that I am suddenly left alone without my soul mate, or the fact that society made it harder on me to be comfortable being alone. I am talking in context of Malaysian scenario. I think it is easier to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life in the sense of getting another partner in life, if you are a Westerner, rather if you are an Asian, comparatively ,I think. And they say divorcees suffer society's ridicule even more so. Widow's gets more sympathy because "it is not their fault that they are seperated". Then again, I have trouble comprehending why divorce is anyone's fault.

You know what I hate most about being single again? You go to a kenduri and people start asking you the famous question," bila nak cari ganti"? (when are you remarrying again?). Everytime someone ask me that question, I cringe inside, and I always hope first and foremost, that she (normally it is the she rather than the he) does not have the capability of reading my mind, or reading my facial expression. Because if she could, she will get this answer," Oh, it is so easy to replace a husband nowadays. All you got to do is wreck someone's marriage, by becoming the, well, at least 2nd wife, or the much less hypocritical non muslim men, their mistress. Or perhaps just get married for the heck of getting married, and settle with loosers, or emotionally unstable recycled men(now, stay tuned for this topic sometime soon) , workaholics, commitment phobics, gay men looking for camourflage marriage, straight men who have sexual dysfunction or whatever it is that make them loose their self confidence, etc...etc.....". But to avoid being rude and wrecking the harmony of someone's party, the standard answer would be,"tak de jodoh lagi". ( No calling yet ).

Having survived and acquired to skill to handle "the question", I slowly realized, that being single again, isn't that bad after all. For starters, I no longer have to put up with that dreadful snore. I bet no one dare say this, but in actual truth, when you work at odd hours and is deprived of precious sleep, the sound of snore may trigger transient insanity so much so, there will be moments when you actually look at the source of that annoying sound, wondering where all that love had gone to, in the dim light, thinking, for just that brief moment, again thinking, will you be able to get away with smouldering a pillow over that source of intolerable decibel by pleading temporary insanity in the court of law.

After all, there was a case in Holland whereby a wife got away with murdering the husband based on transient insanity due to PMS ( that's pre menstrual stress for those who obviously do not suffer from the PMS to not have know what the abbreviation means, or suffer being around insufferable women who suffer the PMS).


Just when I was about to get into comfy zone with being single in society, then shit would normally happen. I will be reminded, that single women are seen by most married women as "weapon of mass destruction". I remember an incident at the club, whereby a lady was very taken in with my daughter and wants her daughter to spend more time together when they are at the club. She kept contacting me to make sure arrangements were made for these two girls to be in the same tennis classes etc.. ( Maybe she thought her daughter may be more like mine . Daaaaaahling...you only catch the flu, not people's contagious personalities and intelligence. That's what one acquires...). I remember her asking about my husband at some point of our brief encounter. It was when she learned that I am a widow, that her call stopped coming.

But what goes around comes around I guess. One fine day, I attended a function and walla, somehow, I ended up sitting beside , guess who? Not the lady with the no-personality-gene to pass down to her daughter, but , walla!! her husband!!! I took one look at him and wondered, in all honesty, what was the reason for her insecurities?? There is a God that night however. I came with a drop dead georgeous date. It really helped that my date was a male. Somehow rather, her phone calls returned. I decided to let it ring, simply because I had a very nice ring tone and I enjoyed listening to it, before dunking her when I changed to a new number.

What is it about not all, but many married women and their insecurities? I agree that there are some women out there who'd stop at nothing to get a husband. Some find it challenging to get someone else's. These women normally look for rich and successful men. After all, if you want to go through all that trouble wrecking up a marriage, might as well make it worthwhile right? Otherwise, it cannot be love, because love is not about demanding, it's about giving. You cannot destroy a marriage, and trust a man who leaves his wife for another women, because, you of all people will know, that he may repeat that habit when he's married to you. The distrust will always be at the back of your mind. What kind of a relationship is built on distrust? Think about it.

But not all single women do that. There are decent singletons who awaits for recycled men to come clean with their problems, and start a new relationship. Unfortunately, or fortunately, however you choose to see it, in Asean setting, marriage is considered to be sacred. It's good, in a way because both husband and wife will give their all in a marriage. But people change, and grow through time. It is the law of the universe, that nothing stays stagnant. It is the ability of a couple to adapt to these changes that will ascertain the longevity of a marriage/relationship, whether it will go the distance. This requires a lot of love, trust,loyalty,compromise, understanding and patience. And trust me, great sex is a big plus point too. Most importantly, all this could only happen if two people have made a decision and decide to stick to it.

I guess, that is what they mean by, "thru thick and thin"

My point? Well, if you are married, and have accomplished all that with your partner in life, why the insecurity? Even more so, why take that insecurities on others?

I read this somewhere. Marriage is a false sense of security. I have to agree. Two people in love, and lucky enough to be married, must not fall into the too secure mode because that is when they start taking each other for granted. I guess we must practice a little bit of insecurity and throw in a little bit of jealousy to keep the fire burning. But overdoing it is totally unnecessary. It could backfire and kill the love, trust and marriage.

Someone told me, that the secret to a good marriage, is good conversation. I agree totally, but in this millenium, we've got to start adding "good shags and quickies" to the list too. Hey, what did I tell you about human evolution? We need to keep up with times.

What happened to my date that night, you ask me? We are so compatible and would have been married instantly, had he not been a gay. He enjoys (notice the present tense?) the privilege of being my camouflage boyfriend. That is why gays are women's best friends. The sex part do not get in the way. Who say men and women cannot become best of friends?

Sometimes, when I sit and talk to people who face marital/relationship problems, I've come to realize, that, there are many married couple out there who actually wish that they are single again. Some have the courage to settle their problems. Some don't. Some, don't bother. Some can't even though they try. Whatever the reasons are, I sense that there are married people who envy my position of being single again.

At the end of the day, I discovered one thing. You do not need a partner/husband/wife to make you happy. Happiness comes from within. But if you do find that soul mate/companion that you can build a life together, for as long as it takes, then that is a bonus in life. And all you need to do next is to take good care of that gift, and be grateful that you are amongst the lucky ones to be blessed by it.

To all the widows, divorcees out there, trust me when I say, there is life after death. Being alone doesn't mean you are lonely. Well, perhaps at times, but I felt lonely even when I was in a marriage. I guess, happiness does not solely come from having a spouse, rather, happiness comes from within. If you have that special person to share that happiness with, then by god it's a gift, treasure it.