Shari's Lists..........

I have a list. Not as Blockbuster movie worthy kind of list such as the "Schindler's List" but hey, it's mine. Whilst Schindler may have saved lives with that list, mine would probably save some women, their sanity. I may be saving women from themselves, and from certain type of men. When someone goes shopping, he/especially-she will prepares a list, so that upon entering the shopping complex, the potent combination (to increase debt or spending unnecessarily) of ginormous distraction posed by the luring material displays and one's desire to own just about everything ( I believe a shorter description is "greed"), may still be entertained but not at the expense of loosing the main purpose of coming into the shopping mall in the first place. You need a list, to execute the job effectively and minimize time consumption.

The same goes with dating. You need to have a checklist of criterion to further shortlist the very short list anyway, of available men left on planet earth to date. (if your age is say, above 40). Unless we manage to find intelligent life forms in an unearthly planet somewhere out there, where incidentally where all the truth lies, then I have bad news for you ladies, "the list IS short", especially when your prime criterion is "intelligent". With a list as a guideline, you will never again waste your time on unsuitable candidate. The time wasted on worrying whether he'd call back is best used to say, increase the number of clean underwear in the wardrobe by having the extra time cleaning them (vicious cycle this one) instead of lying around listening to the Michael Bolton wailing "Tell me how am I suppose to live without youuuuuu", hoping that every time the phone rings, it would be him, telling you,"I've just left my wife".

It's a list, a checklist to be precise, of courting. I’m not talking about the checklist that checks whether you’ve shaved your legs or such, no, I’m talking about criterion checklist. Yes,. it's a checklist on who I'd go out with or not. This did not happen when I was younger (and probably more fun to fall in love with) because I did not bother with the checklist. My first, no, second date ended up with a relationship that lasted about 6 years. My first date was an arranged meeting with my distance cousin, and the "relationship" lasted for only 3 months. My mother was more devastated than I was with the break up. I had two little flings somewhere between my second date and my third, who turned out to be my hubby. When you are the career orientated type, and young, chasing after your ambition, basically you don't really have the time to date, so a list was quite unnecessary. And boy those days were fun. It was 3 years after my husband's death, that I began dating again. And the dating game seemed more complicated and tough, since I left it a decade ago, because, I now know what it feels like to be in a meaningful relationship, and something in the game of love began to change. It's called "being selective".

You see, when you're older and hopefully wiser, you've suddenly developed something that is potent in killing romance , it's called "thinking". You actually stop to think before committing to any relationship and basically, that's what thinking does, it kills romance, I have to agree with Oscar Wilde. So, you end up in this vicious cycle of hesitating to submit to romance, because you think too much and in the end, that thinking took too much time and it killed the moment, and even perhaps the potential romance. It is simply because we have past the age of looking for just romance. We've come to value the longevity of a relationship regardless of where it may end up. Taking the risk and jumping into a relationship with you eyes closed, which seemed natural when we were young, now seem to get you into this tiring emotional turmoil, and you act like a child who would hesitate upon just learning that the fire is hot and can actually burn your fingers.

Unless you've been a hermit prior to reaching peri-menopausal ages, then you'd have no idea of how time can get wasted if you don't have a list. When a woman ages ( I don't know about men, I've never been a man before) we have lost the ability to tolerate rubbish, and trust me, some men can be real rubbish. I'd rather for instance, sit and write something, or read, or even pull my armpit hair whilst listening to the mentally and audio-torturous dangdut music, rather than having to go out on a date with a guy who, say, is someones husband, because you know that it's a bloody waste of time. Why do you think most men find younger women exciting and fresh, and older women cynical and boring? Because older women "knows" and their tricks won’t work on experienced women, we can read them like the back of our hands. He farted and you will know what was the last content of his food, so to speak.

When I say date, I don't mean going out as just friends. I meant going out with the intention of having a relationship if both can at least tolerate each other enough to give relationship a try. In fact, when someone asks me out on a date, the very first question I'd ask would be, "Are you married?". Because I just don't go out with a married man, period, no matter how soon he claims that he's going to leave his wife. (Trust me, I've seen many cases whereby men date on the excuse of "miserable in life and about to leave his nasty wife", the women end up crying on my consultation couch, whilst the men who were about to leave the wives, took their wives to places like Paris to break off with them, only to come back and give another dumb excuse to delay the divorce. How soon this pattern ends, depends on how soon the women develop wisdom. Don't fall for that one girls)

I have two lists in fact. It's just an example of how a list can be made. If you're happy being alone, it's alright really, it's better to be happy alone than to be miserable in a relationship. One list, is the checklist of people I'd go out with the quality that I like, the other is the guys I won't even consider going out with, at all. Trust me, when you have aged and have a had a couple of failed relationships, not to mention a couple of rubbish ones in between, just to get you to the failed ones, before you finally get to "the one", even if you don't know what you're looking for, you will be sure as hell, know what you're not!!!

The former however, becomes shorter than the latter as time goes by. The first list gets shorter because, well, since I don't date married man, and most of the good men are taken (or don't have the balls to leave their wives no matter how miserable they appear to be in the marriage, they'd rather hurt others by cheating and philandering), and well, I don't mind dating men who are younger than me, which I have by the way, (but I guess the problem lies in my being slightly matured for my age and we all know that men grow old, but hardly grow up)., so, I guess the list is extremely short because of lack of supply of good available men, left for you to date. If you think things cannot get even more impossible, some men suddenly decided to become gay. I don't really care if they do, I have long past the days when I judge, it's their prerogative, but it's just a pity that the gays are the almost perfect men!!!

I mean, how can you compete with a gay for the same man, you tell me. You can't even tell that man you're after, "What has he got that I don't have?" because hello...how can you compete for a guy with a gay when you don't have a dick AND a hole in one package!!! Naah, just pulling a fast one. I think gay men make the best women pals because unlike the macho men wanabes with mostly, their ego that are bigger than their love tool, gay men understands women. And there is no competition, because gay men do not go after straight guys. So there you go..who say men and women cannot be the best of friends because the sex will get in the way?

So, anyway, here's my list of guys I don't even consider going out with. I'll list it as an example, for ladies out there who just don't have the time to put up with rubbish. You can come out with your own. Remember, this list is applicable for those who have had enough with putting up with rubbish. For those who still have the energy to jump with their eyes closed, and have the freakin' time, by all means, don't make a list!!!

(Click the link below if you have the passion and the patience to read on!!)

I'll start with the one list of men I won't even consider going out wit in no particular order (very Putrajaya indeed), because it's a shortcut to short-listing the probably non existing list of eligible men to have a decent relationship with.

1. Married men. I mean, unless you are totally desperate so much so you don't mind destroying a family not to mention the children's happiness, really, is there a point? Even if you manage to get him out of his marriage, break a home, marry him, one question shall haunt you forever, "will he do the same to me as he did his wife? Leave me for another woman. After all, he's done it before, break the trust of his former wife, he can do it again". You will forever not trust your newly owned husband and you will forever feel insecure, and jump the moment you see him talking to another woman, because you and you alone know what he is capable of when it comes to cheating. Do yourself a favor and answer this question, "Is that the happily ever after that you're looking for? A marriage not based on trust?"
I was asked out on a date a couple of times by married men,(trust me, the most eligible men in KL are the married ones) and when they answered my first question, whether they were single or married, I heard “I’m married, but errr…..”, I lost them at “err….”. Beyond “err…” lies all the insignificant details no one, except his wife, need to know or even listen. They can go on and on babbling, I’d keep very quiet and listen, but nothing really registers, since what went on in my mind was Nat King Cole’s song , “Fly right” , you know, the part when he said, “your story seem so touchy but it sounds just like a lie”. Then, upon finishing what he wants to say, I told them straight to their faces, “I don’t date married men”. When they come out with lines to convince me that it is okay, I just smiled and repeat the same mantra, “I don’t date married men, no point becoming just friends now, since I’m not comfortable with knowing you wanted more in the first place”…Astalavista baybe…….Well, even when they are not lying, would you want to be with someone who have the tendency to solve a problem, by creating a new one? It’s lame, I know….


2. Workaholics. Basically, when you marry a workaholic, you're automatically the second wife, unless you don’t mind sharing. Unfortunately, I’m an Aries, and Arians are forever a child, we need attention. Cut of the attention supply, we die. Most women who married workaholics are either more in love with the lifestyle these men can provide, rather than loving the men themselves, or love them tremendously to the point of stupor and have the patience to become understanding for the time he stood her up for the 55th time because he had to go golfing, or clubbing, in order to close a deal. Err...you need to have a man in the relationship, in order to have...a relationship, because you need to "relate" to each other, get it? relate-relationship?

3. Men who are just bad....not Michael Jackson's "Bad" but badder than bad. These are the people who'd kill, swindle, etc in order to gain power and wealth. Hmm..no wonder I have never dated politicians. My cousin tried to set me up, behind my back, with this diplomat, Malay guy, UMNO. He thought that just because he's got that fancy car and that fancy job and that fancy face, he could have any women he wanted. Maybe he did, but that was before he met me, and until I sent him off with what looked like his balls in his neck.( it's a talent, I call "intimidate", have coffee with me someday and I'll tell you all about it). I know my cousin meant well, but I felt secretly insulted, that she thought I'd be desperate enough to settle for a lame character. Needless to say, she never pulled any of her matchmaking stunt again. I know, even mafias marry. Well, notice why people make movies about the mafia, not their wives? It's because no one wants to watch a movie full of sadness from the beginning to the end....

4. Philanderers or playboys. Need I say more? You may say, “Oh, he sleeps around and is a playboy because he has not found the right one for him”. Trust me, 99% of philanderers and playboys will never find “the one” because “the one” is this perfect creature than cannot exist in one whole being, instead, only be made possible to exist in a form of “one in 5”. If you think that you can get to the 1% without having to go through at least 99% of the 99%, I suggest you reopen your Mathematics book, the chapter on "Kebarangkalian". By the way, people don’t change. They may think they do, and perhaps they may, for a while, until all that adrenalin of “love or lust at first sight, whatever”, wears off, and he’s off hunting again. It’s a game to them really. They’re not looking for “the one”. Like the adrenalin junkies, they’re looking for the excitement of romance and the getting away with cheating , like a Kleptomaniac.

5. Gamblers. A gambler is like a philanderer or playboy, only their romance is with chance. Notice that I did not put gamblers along with #3? That's because a gambler is not a bad man, rather, just have problems with self control, and they do not hurt others intentionally.

6. Megalomaniacs. I dated one a couple of years back, and it’s tiring just listening to how great he can be all day long. It’s a total put off. Who cares about how great you are, because if you really are, it’ll shine through somehow, and you don’t need to point it out. Hmm..maybe that is why I’ve not dated someone short lately…then again, I’ve always have this thing about men taller than me. A primal need to feel protected maybe, or just a victim of teenagers’ love paperbacks who put this idea of the perfect men as “tall dark and handsome”. I married one by the way…but the handsome part is debatable…if you think Ajev Devgan is cute, then my my hubby was handsome. To me, he’s good looking from the inside. It shined through. He use to buy the whole “pisang goreng” from the makcik by the roadside in the kampong where we were stationed, plus the bananas that was not cooked yet, to make sure the makcik was able to go home because it was getting dark and she was stubborn to continue selling. No, we did not constipate that week, because the bananas and the goreng pisang was distributed to our neighbours that evening.

7. Perverts. I especially hate it when they ask, “Do you sleep with your kid on the same bed?”. My my, jumping the gun aren’t we? I’d play along and say, “we come from a family who are independent in nature, and we begin with sleeping alone since childhood”, which is true by the way, but I just say it to make myself feel better, because, he’s gone after that.

8. Liars, pathological or not. This category of men may be able to get away with more than a couple of dates, until he gets caught. But, he will, because the truth will prevail sooner or later. If you are oblivious, then more likely later than sooner. I don’t mind white lies, but pathological liars are bad news. I’d rather sleep with the loudest snorer than a liar. At least, snores just deprive you from sleep, which you can replace later in the afternoon siesta. Lies deprive you of the truth, and to portray the ability for empathy.

9. Invertebrates. Men without backbones. Mommy’s son falls under this category, well, not all, but most. Or men from wealthy background whereby their parents hold them by the balls; weapon being the inheritance. Or men in general, who just cannot make their own decisions, even a bad one. I want a man. If I had wanted a kid to help make decisions for them, I’d get one. Oh wait!! You need a man for that, what a bummer. Oh well, at least not a man who’s developmentally retarded in the spinal sense of it.

10. Narrow-minded men. If I were to be a lesbian, then narrow minded women. Men, who think that women exist in this world to serve them for example, would sometimes pretend that they are okay with your being independent during courting time. The moment you tie the knot, then suddenly they will start to demand that the “Raja Sehari” status be extended forever, and try to decapitate you out of your freedom wings, and your right to be an individual. Suddenly, you are his subject and you must change to fit his life. This happens a lot with Malay men. I’ve seen couples hooked up after they met in places like the pubs and had a great time courting, but when they are married, suddenly, the girl was made to cover her head and stuff, just to make his mother happy. (she might as well marry the mother in law). For God’s sakes, the reason why you fell in love with each other in the first place was because you were being you. How the hell will they continue loving each other if they are forced to change into someone else?. It’s like you have to fall in love with a new partner all over again. Change can only happen from within, by the person's freewill. Even God grants us the freedom of will, to a certain extent. For this type of men, I say “Hatttttccchoooooo!!!” , stay away as any allergens that instigates allergy need to be…in a land far… far…. away.

I’m sure our parents did not spend all those time loving and caring for us, break their backs to put us through education process so as to give us away completely to some strangers known as the In Laws. That was why I’ve hardly, dated any Malay men. (and the ones I probably accidentally dated, kept reminding me, why I did not date Malay men in the first place). And needless to say, Malay men stay away from me because they cannot stand the idea that a woman can be more smarter, wiser then them, or worst, a smart mouth like me!!!. Basically, it’s to do with the big fat ego. Can’t blame them really, they were brought up to believe that men are superior then women. Malay women like me, comfortable with being independent yet capable of loving someone without being clingy at the same time, just intimidates them to the point of them being insecure. A total piss off. Honestly, if you want to win a heart of most of the Malay men out there, just pretend you’re stupid-er than them, become "gadis ayu" or just cover your head even though it’s not a requirement by God (I have nothing against those who cover their heads, it's their prerogative, it's the insistence that those who do not cover their head to do so, when nothing is stated in the Quran is what pisses me off. Here, read THIS if you have interest in finding out more), in short, learn how to be a hypocrite. (Of course unless if you are comfortable thinking that you are stupider than men, or some second class citizen, or perhaps comfortable at being a hypocrite, then kindly disregard my previous statement. Go ahead and be happy…after all, ignorance can be a bliss). If you can manage that for the rest of the marriage, then, both will have a happily ever after ending, never mind how much Prozak the woman swallows just to keep the marriage alive.

Furthermore, even from my younger days, I hardly have guy pals, who are Malays because they tend to “perasan” that any gal who comes in proximity of 10meters in diameter near them, is because she’s going to try and trap them into a marriage. Frankly, when it comes to most Malay men,(take note the word “most” attached prior to the word “Malay”), I don’t know whether to use my normal friendly tone, or just to ignore them completely, because if you become a little extra friendly, like dare crack some dirty jokes with them, many tend to get the wrong idea, like it’s a sign that you’re interested to jump into their pants…puuuuhleeeeezzzz…..or if you ignore them, then you become “sombong or berlagak”. I prefer to be called the latter. I married a Punjabi for God’s sakes!! hellllllooooo…at least he appreciated me for what I am and even made me more independent. ( a cibhai guy pal of mine, that’s Chinese mix with Bhai by the way, told me “once you kena kari, you tak boleh lari”….LOL!!! I guess that is a Malaysian version of “Once you go black, you will never turn back”…I can go on with this rubbish I tell you…)

11. A pussy. If I wanted to have a relationship with a pussy, I might as well start dating women and decrease my probability of staying home alone on a weekend since statistics shows that women outnumbered men. Obviously this was what men prayed for on mass prayers, since the last century. We women were busy fighting over men, when all we could have done a couple of centuries ago, was to pray for more men than women. Polyandry could have been the trend today, otherwise… ah well, …..could have, would have but didn’t…so don’t go around avowing that women are smarter than men when it comes to relationships.

12. A lazy bum. No need explanation for that right? Garfield characters are best left to read on comic strips, not to have a relationship with let alone marry. Besides, making love would be boring...

13. Men who had just gone through a divorce. It's like dating Smeagol from Lord Of the Ring. One day you're his "precious" (accompanied by the heavy breathing) and the next day he'll be withdrawn and alienated and left you wondering what happened to "precious". Unless you're killing time and while waiting, don't mind dating "The Rest" while waiting for "The One", or have time for another emotional roller coaster ride, then go ahead, be my guest. Otherwise, stay away from Smeagol until he's gotten over his ex completely.

14. Drunkards. Because drunkards have the tendency to commit attrocities and you'll be sucked into this warp of dramatic life...most of them involving anti anxiety and sleeping tablets to keep you going.

15. Ongoing list. Keeping it open to add more through experience. Kind of my “Keep In View” list, that potentially someday make dating almost impossible. So far, the potentials in this list are; politicians – specifically from UMNO, golf-maniacs (it’s bad enough that I’m a widow to a man I love, I ain’t gonna be a Golf Widow too), any maniac for that matter,

As for the checklist of people I’d go out with, .wait, .let me rephrase that, people who are still single, available, not gay and not looney, which incidentally happen to be very scarce but not to the point of extinction,...yet..... that I would consider going out on a date would be;

1. A good soul, someone who is rich with humility and humanity and kind. (The human pool available to date gets smaller.)

2. Spiritual and righteous and have the balls to stand up for his beliefs. Very shaggidalic, yeah, bayybee….I can never be with someone who don’t believe in the existence of god, because that would mean that he doesn’t believe a large part of me.

3. A potential good companion with whom I can have good conversations, doesn't have to be smart conversation all the time...(suddenly Billy Joel's song gave tinnitis to my ears with those words," I don't need clever, conversations"....). Plus point would be one who can make me laugh. (The human pool is slowly coming to a size of extinction). I once left a date in a middle of a date because I got bored with listening to him talking about himself. When I tried to change the subject to something general, he somehow rather brought it back to him, and how he saved some lives who were lost in the jungle (yeah, a Singaporean lost in tertiary jungle, big deal. They can even get lost just following Malaysians signboard). I excused myself to the ladies, called my friend up, told her to fake an emergency and call me before I become the first person to die from a boring conversation. I know…. it’s lame.

4. Someone who portrays the ability to empathize, who’d understand that when a woman whines, she’s not looking for a specific solution, but just wanted a shoulder to cry on. A foot massage would make me fall in infatuation instantly.

5. Someone low keyed. I don’t enjoy much attention and value privacy like it’s oxygen (privacy, yeah, that explains this article…). Let me rephrase that; I enjoy physical privacy. I hate making small conversation, even if my job turned me into a good small-conversationist, if such a word exists.

6. Someone who have a job, an honest one. It doesn’t matter what, as long as he’s not unemployed. Men who are not happy with his life especially with his work, let alone with unemployment, will never be happy in any relationship. I don’t want to date an unnecessarily unhappy man.

7. It's an ongoing list.

Don't get me wrong, look not for the perfect man; for such a man or a woman for that matter, does not exist...because, nobody IS perfect......the perfect-for-each-other would be a great start....

N.B Because of this list, I have now live a life of a hermit. Oh, but don't feel sorry for me because it's by choice. Let's just say, I've been there and done that and frankly, I'm jaded. It occurred to me, that when I first met my husband, I did not even have to work on it. I was in a relationship with my boyfriend, ex boyfriend, and was hanging out with this guy pal pouring my heart about love and life, (innocently thinking he was just there for me as just friends, until he started sending me roses when I told him I fancied my late husband!! He's a Malay by the way..who's to know what goes on inside a Malay men's head..they like to wait the last minute don't they?) when our destiny crossed each others' paths. Only for the reasons that I will know, and God of course, I took an unlikely path and it accidentally bumped into his. The rest was history. I shouldn't be proud of this, but I left my then boyfriend (in a good way, complete with closure) who was already a full fledge doctor, and hooked up with my hubby instead, who was still struggling to pass his final year exams. How can I explain the strange thing called serendipity and destiny? The answer is, I can't. Neither will I attempt to. If I were to do it all over again, knowing that I'd be a widow today, I'd still pick my husband.

The beautiful thing about being a human being, is that we have something to get us going and it's called "hope". Who knows, I may get lucky again and fate has it that I stumble into the path of another "the one".(judging by the list...I think God has to intervene.heh..heh....well,it wont' be the first time.). I'm not hopeless, just hopeful. .
Do listen in to the lyrics, they're beautiful..


In the meantime, there are other beautiful things in life, awaiting to be embraced..