Some of us women have our moments when sex seem as distasteful as having a pap smear done. Your body is tired from the office work followed by the house work the moment you enter home. The last thing you have on your mind would be working overtime in bed. Ran out of excuses?
It's the millenium for god's sakes, be a little creative. Men nor women no longer buy the "sorry dear, I have a headache" excuse because you may get an aspirin shoved into your throat and still have to oblige as soon as the aspirin, according to the drug prescription pamphlet, kicks off to work. Here's some creative ideas for excuses:
1. "I went to the doctor today for this vaginal discharge problem I've been having and it's itchy. Doctor had given me vaginal tablets for insertion and she told me not to have sex for one week, at least."
2. Just as you sense that your partner is about to get horny, start a topic beginning with, "My mom called just now.....", then create something that you know will cause him transient impotence, like your mom is planning to stay over longer this time around.
3. Just as you sense that your partner is about to get horny, inform him that he's got a letter from income tax department.
4. Or if you reaaaaally don't feel like having sex for a long time, just tell him,"I went to the doctor this morning. Apparently my menses turned out to be a threatened abortion and we should practice abstinence for at least 2-3 weeks."
5. "I have this mastication muscle spasm and I can't seem to control the clenching of my teeth when I'm excited. Doctor gave me muscle relaxant, and it's going to knock me out apparently. It's still risky for you even if I don't take the medication. We don't want both of us ending up in the Acute and Emergency Department do we? "
There may be some truth in the saying,
"A newly wed woman is an artist at home, an economist in kitchen, and a devil in bed. After some time, they become a devil at home, an artist in the kitchen and an economist in bed."
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...
Well, I feel young, does that count?
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Saturday, February 16, 2008
No Sex? and the City
I just don't get it. What's the big hoo haa just talking about sex? You don't need licence for that do you? You definitely cannot get pregnant just talking about it? (Unless you're a member of PAS and actually believe that immaculate pregnancy can occur just by queing up together, men and women). Not talking about it is not going to decrease its practice, legal or illegally. It's human nature to want to do something that is prohibited unto them. It instigates curiosity of whether they can get away with it. No? Well, then, perhaps it's just me then. But hey, I'm one happy woman.
Sex, whether it is talked about openly or behind doors, will continue to play an important role in human lives. It is a known fact that prostitution is one of the oldest job since the beginning of mankind. Sorry, I rephrase that. I don't think Adam had any other women around to start any philandering activities, nor was he likely to do so. (but then again there was that incident with Eve that got them into trouble and out unto earth...). Perhaps it is more appropriate to say, that it is the oldest occupation since the beginning of civilization.
What's the oldest job you ask me? Politicians of course. Why do you think this world is so screwed up? They were here on Day One, well, almost. Come to think of it, corrupted politicians and prostitutes have one thing in common- they screw people for money, but that is another story. (one that would lead me into ISA if I go on about it)
Back to talking about sex ( yes, I know you like it when I talk dirty...), people find it uncomfortable to talk freely regarding sex, especially men, when they cannot rise to the occasion, for example. It's funny because, that is the exact time when they should be talking about it because keeping quiet is not going to get them anywhere.I'm sure men don't find it funny, try having a gun that wouldn't unload when you desperately need to.
So what, if your gadget of fertility could not perform, one maybe four times in a row. It's normal for a man to experience impotence at least once in his life time. It's a transient matter, of which it's longevity ( I'm talking in reference of time here..not the gadget) depends upon when the unfortunate man with the temporarily out of service love machine, decides to come clean with the problem and finally solve it. Finally, if all else fails, there's always the viagra. For those of you who still think I am talking about Lang Lang's piano performance on the Rachmaninov's piece, or Paladin in "Have gun will travel", helloooo!! Wake up!! You can't be that naive!!
I once had this conversation with my colleage and somehow, we ended up talking about .....syyyy.......sex. She commented something that left me ....I can't think of a term to describe my sentiment at the time, but I remember my mouth was agap, long enough for a spider to knit a web unto it. From what I gathered from her comment, she had sex with her husband only in one position, husband on top, anything else would be making her feel like a nymphomaniac. Then again, you can't blame her, she was born a malay and most malay women are brought up to let their men stay on top.
Hello!! If God had intended sex to be performed only via one position, why on earth create human's joints to accomodate flexibility??!! It's no wonder why most married malay men, ended up marrying at least another one, if they can't fill up the quota of four!! (trust me, it's every men's secret dream to have a harem of women, legally or illegally. They won't tell you that of course). These men were probably insiduosly looking for sexual satisfaction, which obviously one position cannot provide!! And since it is wrong in Islam to "testdrive" in bed, what the heck, they'll just legalize it by marrying other women. There you go, the reason behind the popular sunnah unveiled.
I know marriage is not all about sex. It's something like money. Money isn't everything, but it does help improve bargaining position...Trust me, if men or less likely women do not get a reasonably satisfying sex, they still will manage to keep a good marriage, by fucking some other woman on the side, quietly. You're not a philanderer until you get caught with your panties down, unless you are not the type to wear panties. Women however, can be amazingly loyal to their spouse. Some even have never experienced how an orgasm felt like, yet, they were fine about it. Well, you won't know what you're missing until you know.
You think that was shocking? Well, let me tell you another story. It's so shocking, this time my jaw instantly gave up it's fight with gravity, and I was never the same after that. The couple had been married for nearly 8 years now and they still haven't had sex!!! The reason how I found out was because she told me she could not do a pap smear.
I remember when she first ask me for help, I was so shocked, I remember uttering,"if you need me to give you advice on how to give someone the blowjob of a lifetime, I may be able to help you, but this, for the first time in my life, I am speechless". I was, in all honesty. But I did try to help by arranging for them, professional counselling. I am still hitherto, waiting for that call from my friend who will someday say what may seem like magic words to me, "Help me. We had this rough sex and now I have a condom stuck in my vagina and it would'nt come out"...anything as ridiculous, so long as I know their problem is regarding sex, not deprivation of it..Otherwise, should the therapy fail, she should just quietly go ahead with the pap smear, and at least would not suffer future embarassment of claiming to be a virgin after 8 years of marriage. It is however, a little sad, when she reflects back at her life only to remember how that cold vaginal speculum, of the smallest size, had broke her virginity.
I can't really laugh at her situation, however, because I use to be the joke of the campus, you know, when people are laughing at you, not with you? At then, 23years of age, I was a product of "hush hush sex", and by that , I do not mean I am an illegitimate child of sort, rather, just ignorant about sex altogether. That ignorance was hardly bliss. I remember Iwas reading this book and I sighed, saying,"I have to read this in and out". My then, boy friend, smiled wickedly and started teasing me," in and out, in and out". I looked at him disgusted, and said," In Islam, you can only penetrate once. Then you have to mandi junub." (I realized later, you are suppose to only have sex once, and have to bathe before restarting another session...not my fault the ustazah sounded ambigous back then). I had the cheek to argue about the matter, because I hate loosing any argument.
He in turn looked at me as if i was from Kingdom Far Far Away, and did not say anything for good 10seconds, then with that expression that cannot describe, but remember until today replied back, "Do you know that the penis have to go in and out of a vagina before achieving orgasm?". He then explained to me how sex is performed, and I sat there beside him in the library ( how boring can my life be) and finally learned from my boyfriend, how people actually have sex. And to add insult to injury, he rest his case by saying smugly and cheekily, "Celup sekali je, tak jadi apa, jadi tapai je laaaa"..It's not what he had said, rather the way he said it made me blush everytime I recall it.
I can imagine therefore, young girls who are naive yet desperately want to oblige their boy friends, ended up getting pregnant.
Sex is just a natural human need. How we handle it is totally up to us. There is nothing dirty about it, unless it is forced unto an unwilling partner, or err..sheep for example. We human need sex to regulate our hormones and hence become healthier. You know when your boss is being bitchy in the office because she was not getting any the night before, if you catch my drift. It's a mood elevator as well, works better than prozac I dare say. Tell me how much calories one burns sex-ercising?
I am not going to touch the religious aspect of it, you leave it up to the ulamaks, you'll never be able to experience a fellatio without having an image of you burning in hell just before orgasm. But apart from that, I think sex should practice in a healthy manner, medically and ethically. Talking about it certainly helps increasing our knowlege and the practice of sex itself. Look what I've learned since my "one dip orgasm theory" !!
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...
Sex, whether it is talked about openly or behind doors, will continue to play an important role in human lives. It is a known fact that prostitution is one of the oldest job since the beginning of mankind. Sorry, I rephrase that. I don't think Adam had any other women around to start any philandering activities, nor was he likely to do so. (but then again there was that incident with Eve that got them into trouble and out unto earth...). Perhaps it is more appropriate to say, that it is the oldest occupation since the beginning of civilization.
What's the oldest job you ask me? Politicians of course. Why do you think this world is so screwed up? They were here on Day One, well, almost. Come to think of it, corrupted politicians and prostitutes have one thing in common- they screw people for money, but that is another story. (one that would lead me into ISA if I go on about it)
Back to talking about sex ( yes, I know you like it when I talk dirty...), people find it uncomfortable to talk freely regarding sex, especially men, when they cannot rise to the occasion, for example. It's funny because, that is the exact time when they should be talking about it because keeping quiet is not going to get them anywhere.I'm sure men don't find it funny, try having a gun that wouldn't unload when you desperately need to.
So what, if your gadget of fertility could not perform, one maybe four times in a row. It's normal for a man to experience impotence at least once in his life time. It's a transient matter, of which it's longevity ( I'm talking in reference of time here..not the gadget) depends upon when the unfortunate man with the temporarily out of service love machine, decides to come clean with the problem and finally solve it. Finally, if all else fails, there's always the viagra. For those of you who still think I am talking about Lang Lang's piano performance on the Rachmaninov's piece, or Paladin in "Have gun will travel", helloooo!! Wake up!! You can't be that naive!!
I once had this conversation with my colleage and somehow, we ended up talking about .....syyyy.......sex. She commented something that left me ....I can't think of a term to describe my sentiment at the time, but I remember my mouth was agap, long enough for a spider to knit a web unto it. From what I gathered from her comment, she had sex with her husband only in one position, husband on top, anything else would be making her feel like a nymphomaniac. Then again, you can't blame her, she was born a malay and most malay women are brought up to let their men stay on top.
Hello!! If God had intended sex to be performed only via one position, why on earth create human's joints to accomodate flexibility??!! It's no wonder why most married malay men, ended up marrying at least another one, if they can't fill up the quota of four!! (trust me, it's every men's secret dream to have a harem of women, legally or illegally. They won't tell you that of course). These men were probably insiduosly looking for sexual satisfaction, which obviously one position cannot provide!! And since it is wrong in Islam to "testdrive" in bed, what the heck, they'll just legalize it by marrying other women. There you go, the reason behind the popular sunnah unveiled.
I know marriage is not all about sex. It's something like money. Money isn't everything, but it does help improve bargaining position...Trust me, if men or less likely women do not get a reasonably satisfying sex, they still will manage to keep a good marriage, by fucking some other woman on the side, quietly. You're not a philanderer until you get caught with your panties down, unless you are not the type to wear panties. Women however, can be amazingly loyal to their spouse. Some even have never experienced how an orgasm felt like, yet, they were fine about it. Well, you won't know what you're missing until you know.
You think that was shocking? Well, let me tell you another story. It's so shocking, this time my jaw instantly gave up it's fight with gravity, and I was never the same after that. The couple had been married for nearly 8 years now and they still haven't had sex!!! The reason how I found out was because she told me she could not do a pap smear.
I remember when she first ask me for help, I was so shocked, I remember uttering,"if you need me to give you advice on how to give someone the blowjob of a lifetime, I may be able to help you, but this, for the first time in my life, I am speechless". I was, in all honesty. But I did try to help by arranging for them, professional counselling. I am still hitherto, waiting for that call from my friend who will someday say what may seem like magic words to me, "Help me. We had this rough sex and now I have a condom stuck in my vagina and it would'nt come out"...anything as ridiculous, so long as I know their problem is regarding sex, not deprivation of it..Otherwise, should the therapy fail, she should just quietly go ahead with the pap smear, and at least would not suffer future embarassment of claiming to be a virgin after 8 years of marriage. It is however, a little sad, when she reflects back at her life only to remember how that cold vaginal speculum, of the smallest size, had broke her virginity.
I can't really laugh at her situation, however, because I use to be the joke of the campus, you know, when people are laughing at you, not with you? At then, 23years of age, I was a product of "hush hush sex", and by that , I do not mean I am an illegitimate child of sort, rather, just ignorant about sex altogether. That ignorance was hardly bliss. I remember Iwas reading this book and I sighed, saying,"I have to read this in and out". My then, boy friend, smiled wickedly and started teasing me," in and out, in and out". I looked at him disgusted, and said," In Islam, you can only penetrate once. Then you have to mandi junub." (I realized later, you are suppose to only have sex once, and have to bathe before restarting another session...not my fault the ustazah sounded ambigous back then). I had the cheek to argue about the matter, because I hate loosing any argument.
He in turn looked at me as if i was from Kingdom Far Far Away, and did not say anything for good 10seconds, then with that expression that cannot describe, but remember until today replied back, "Do you know that the penis have to go in and out of a vagina before achieving orgasm?". He then explained to me how sex is performed, and I sat there beside him in the library ( how boring can my life be) and finally learned from my boyfriend, how people actually have sex. And to add insult to injury, he rest his case by saying smugly and cheekily, "Celup sekali je, tak jadi apa, jadi tapai je laaaa"..It's not what he had said, rather the way he said it made me blush everytime I recall it.
I can imagine therefore, young girls who are naive yet desperately want to oblige their boy friends, ended up getting pregnant.
Sex is just a natural human need. How we handle it is totally up to us. There is nothing dirty about it, unless it is forced unto an unwilling partner, or err..sheep for example. We human need sex to regulate our hormones and hence become healthier. You know when your boss is being bitchy in the office because she was not getting any the night before, if you catch my drift. It's a mood elevator as well, works better than prozac I dare say. Tell me how much calories one burns sex-ercising?
I am not going to touch the religious aspect of it, you leave it up to the ulamaks, you'll never be able to experience a fellatio without having an image of you burning in hell just before orgasm. But apart from that, I think sex should practice in a healthy manner, medically and ethically. Talking about it certainly helps increasing our knowlege and the practice of sex itself. Look what I've learned since my "one dip orgasm theory" !!
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Happy Valentine's Day??
Damn! It's that time of the year again...It's Valentine's Day. Rats!! It's a fantastic time for those who have someone to flaunt their affection with. But for a singleton like me...hmmm...it's a day that nudges me in the ribs to say smugly, "you are alone still, while the rest of the world is celebrating.". Well, I am celibating, if you can just ignore the absence of the letter "r" and stop poking me with the fact that I am without the love of my life?!!
Come to think of it, Valentine's Day become suddenly meaningful to me, not because it's meaningful per se, rather because it didn't use to be special, when I was with someone and the same day turn out to be annoyingly significant when I am single again. In fact, we, my hubby and me, never bothered acknowleging Valentine's Day as we could not really work out what it means. I mean, when you're in love, everyday is valentine's day. You don't need to have one day you declare to be special and go all out to get roses that will cost three fold its normal price just to prove your love.
It was one of those ordinary day, when my hubby came up to me one and presented me with what he claimed to be "the most unique flower on earth that no one could ever thought of presenting to their loved ones". I was overjoyed with his words (then again he could describe hell in such a manner that it made me look forward to go to hell...no, he was not a diplomat), adoringly sniffed the bunga kantan wrapped in beautiful wrapping paper and gave him one of that kiss that was potentially lethal and contradicting family planning.
Valentine's Day is like a day to more like reiterate rather than remind the singletons that they are singletons. I am reminded everytime I turn on the TV or radio. It makes you want to find that cupid and slap it stupid.
It's a day when it means nothing until it means something. It's like playing tennis, you always have something to complain about your tennis mate, until you end up playing with the wall. Dang!!
Ah well. Happy Valentine's Day to the people who are lucky enough to qualify to celebrate it. And for those of you singletons out there, remember how Valentine's Day use to not mean anything when you had that special someone. That will at least get you through tomorrow. But for those of you, who are singleton, and Valentine's Day use to mean everything....oh, stop whining and grow up!! Otherwise, get drunk or sedated. It's only until tomorrow when the whole world will shut up about it...Thank God Valentine's Day is not like fasting month, and that it's just one day.......
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...
Come to think of it, Valentine's Day become suddenly meaningful to me, not because it's meaningful per se, rather because it didn't use to be special, when I was with someone and the same day turn out to be annoyingly significant when I am single again. In fact, we, my hubby and me, never bothered acknowleging Valentine's Day as we could not really work out what it means. I mean, when you're in love, everyday is valentine's day. You don't need to have one day you declare to be special and go all out to get roses that will cost three fold its normal price just to prove your love.
It was one of those ordinary day, when my hubby came up to me one and presented me with what he claimed to be "the most unique flower on earth that no one could ever thought of presenting to their loved ones". I was overjoyed with his words (then again he could describe hell in such a manner that it made me look forward to go to hell...no, he was not a diplomat), adoringly sniffed the bunga kantan wrapped in beautiful wrapping paper and gave him one of that kiss that was potentially lethal and contradicting family planning.
Valentine's Day is like a day to more like reiterate rather than remind the singletons that they are singletons. I am reminded everytime I turn on the TV or radio. It makes you want to find that cupid and slap it stupid.
It's a day when it means nothing until it means something. It's like playing tennis, you always have something to complain about your tennis mate, until you end up playing with the wall. Dang!!
Ah well. Happy Valentine's Day to the people who are lucky enough to qualify to celebrate it. And for those of you singletons out there, remember how Valentine's Day use to not mean anything when you had that special someone. That will at least get you through tomorrow. But for those of you, who are singleton, and Valentine's Day use to mean everything....oh, stop whining and grow up!! Otherwise, get drunk or sedated. It's only until tomorrow when the whole world will shut up about it...Thank God Valentine's Day is not like fasting month, and that it's just one day.......
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
So how now?
Okay. I do not date married men, full stop. (for God's and our sakes, please read the article prior to this if you need to decipher what I'm about to babble about). Now that I've proven that I have some portion of principals, when it comes to relationships, where does that leave me? What do people like me do now? I can imagine how Patrick Teoh in his blog "Niamah" would put it, "So, how now?"
I'm in my forties, and most men my age group are married. It doesn't help that there is a shortage of men in Malaysia. Why I say there is a shortage of men, is because, statistics show that there are more women than men of my age or anywhere 5 years plus minus. To make matters worse, probably a quarter of this extincting males species are gays. Just what we women need. Gender confused homo sapiens... And by gay I don't mean "happy", please keep up with the time people. The rest are either ;
A) happily married
B) not so happily married and looking for escapism and blame it on the hormones then call it a midlife crisis,
C) married but desperately wanting to be single again but don't have the balls to do anything about it or even if they do have the balls, cannot afford a divorce,
D) unmarried but have "internal problems" hindering them from sustaining any relationship,
E)unmarried but have "external problems" hindering them from sustaining any relationship...
F) unmarried and they are the problem
My, my. The list seem to go on, it's no wonder there are women who take matters into their own hands (well, women have long benefited from the women's liberation movements and are learning to DIY, just like men, and of course, it is the age of technology you know....) or just settle by way of nature, and become lesbians. It is known that nature has it's ways of "sorting things out" as evidenced by some fish species that are capable of changing gender when situations require them to do so. They give "go fuck yourself" a more meaningful term I guess.
How do I go about this matter? Well, I settled it by being truely muhibbah and open minded. I started dating men younger than me regardless of race or beliefs, I do not really fancy dating too old a man, even if they are sinfully rich, because, I know this sounds unfair, but I would like to marry someone someday who I do not have to get up in the middle of the night, wondering whether had he stopped snoring because medical science had cured him, or whether he had passed on. At least with younger men, my only worry is not sleeping with a corpse without even realising it, but instead, the sleepwalking some men do to the maid's room. Besides, it's a bit risky when you get involved with old men taking viagra. You may not be able to differentiate between a scream of pleasure, or a scream for help from a cardiac arrest!!
Well, at least that was what I used to do, dated men. Nowadays, I've grown jaded of the dating scene and have decided to just let destiny try fiddle it's fingers on my life. See where this leads me. Why I am jaded, well, stay tuned to my writings. You'd probably learn something out of my experience, I hope.
It is true what they say about love. The miracle of love is to love and be loved in returned. It happened to me once, who knows, true love may find me the second time around. All I've got to do in the meantime,is to fiddle my G-spot occasionally, just to remind me it's still functioning and to keep the motor running just in case, sometime in the future, I may need to reactivate it. I hope I won't grow tired of technology, just like Justin Timberlake in his song.. I may be transiently out of the dating scene, and sleeping soundly without a hubby snoring into my brains, but I am strangely, contented. I am alone again, naturally. But for now, I'm not hopeless, just hopeful.......
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...
I'm in my forties, and most men my age group are married. It doesn't help that there is a shortage of men in Malaysia. Why I say there is a shortage of men, is because, statistics show that there are more women than men of my age or anywhere 5 years plus minus. To make matters worse, probably a quarter of this extincting males species are gays. Just what we women need. Gender confused homo sapiens... And by gay I don't mean "happy", please keep up with the time people. The rest are either ;
A) happily married
B) not so happily married and looking for escapism and blame it on the hormones then call it a midlife crisis,
C) married but desperately wanting to be single again but don't have the balls to do anything about it or even if they do have the balls, cannot afford a divorce,
D) unmarried but have "internal problems" hindering them from sustaining any relationship,
E)unmarried but have "external problems" hindering them from sustaining any relationship...
F) unmarried and they are the problem
My, my. The list seem to go on, it's no wonder there are women who take matters into their own hands (well, women have long benefited from the women's liberation movements and are learning to DIY, just like men, and of course, it is the age of technology you know....) or just settle by way of nature, and become lesbians. It is known that nature has it's ways of "sorting things out" as evidenced by some fish species that are capable of changing gender when situations require them to do so. They give "go fuck yourself" a more meaningful term I guess.
How do I go about this matter? Well, I settled it by being truely muhibbah and open minded. I started dating men younger than me regardless of race or beliefs, I do not really fancy dating too old a man, even if they are sinfully rich, because, I know this sounds unfair, but I would like to marry someone someday who I do not have to get up in the middle of the night, wondering whether had he stopped snoring because medical science had cured him, or whether he had passed on. At least with younger men, my only worry is not sleeping with a corpse without even realising it, but instead, the sleepwalking some men do to the maid's room. Besides, it's a bit risky when you get involved with old men taking viagra. You may not be able to differentiate between a scream of pleasure, or a scream for help from a cardiac arrest!!
Well, at least that was what I used to do, dated men. Nowadays, I've grown jaded of the dating scene and have decided to just let destiny try fiddle it's fingers on my life. See where this leads me. Why I am jaded, well, stay tuned to my writings. You'd probably learn something out of my experience, I hope.
It is true what they say about love. The miracle of love is to love and be loved in returned. It happened to me once, who knows, true love may find me the second time around. All I've got to do in the meantime,is to fiddle my G-spot occasionally, just to remind me it's still functioning and to keep the motor running just in case, sometime in the future, I may need to reactivate it. I hope I won't grow tired of technology, just like Justin Timberlake in his song.. I may be transiently out of the dating scene, and sleeping soundly without a hubby snoring into my brains, but I am strangely, contented. I am alone again, naturally. But for now, I'm not hopeless, just hopeful.......
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...
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