Well, I feel young, does that count?


Monday, November 4, 2013

"He" ........after "He" and me got hitched....

Dear readers, I wrote this in a jest. I’m penning down what I feel when I’m feeling it. It may not be accurate, it may not be right. But I figure, writing this down would be cheaper alternative to a psychiatrist or counselling. So here goes.

 It’s about “He”…what happens after she and he got together…… 

I love the way he looked at me. He is transparent to me. You can see all that love reflected in his eyes whenever he looked at me. Those beautiful bluish grey eyes, that seemed to be the window to his inner self. It was still there, that love reflection when we parted last. It’s still full of love, only probably lesser. All it took was two fights. The only fights we ever had throughout our almost 2 years of relationship. Those fights usually begin with the most trivial reason one can possibly think of, then they escalate out of proportion and before we know it, it got beyond us. It seems that we don’t argue at all. But when we do, it turned out catastrophic.

 I knew he had a past, a baggage …or dare I say a luggage. So have I. Aren’t we all sort of damaged goods, trying hard to find our way back to “normal”? When we have an argument, my expression of anger would be deemed as “provoking”. And when I try to practice reticence, it was deemed to be “provoking” too. When I’m in an argument with him, I feel like I’m sinking in a quicksand. The more I struggle to get out of it, to save the matter, the more I seem to sink deeper into the sand. The source of our argument may be trivial. But every time an argument arises, there will be four people arguing. The first to arrive to the battle field would be Christina and Feroz. Christina is his ex-wife and Feroz is my dead husband. Suddenly, at that moment, all his and my past arguments and bad experiences came in a flash, lowering the bar for tolerance before the argument had the chance to even warm up.

 Misunderstandings, one superimposed on another forming a Domino’s effect of misunderstandings in a cascading fall. It is not really a bad thing but when someone is too traumatized by the past, the past can certainly halt any progress forward in the relationship….in any relationship. It’s like when someone knows how painful it is to touch fire, he will not touch fire ever again. Truth is, if he conquers his fear, he will realize that it is possible to touch fire without getting hurt…wear an asbestos suit. But can you blame someone for being terrified in the first place?

I still love him more than he could ever imagine. I love the way he bites his upper lips with his lower teeth when he is concentrating on a task. I love the way he takes my glasses to look at the word games trying to figure out the answers. I love the way he leaves traces of food around his mouth, like a little boy enjoying his food without a care in the world. I love wiping them off. I love it that he still wears the same T-shirt I saw him wearing in a picture taken 5 years back.  He spends selflessly on others and not so much for himself.   He would forget to lock the door most of the time and I will just shake my head and lock it before I go to sleep simply because I understood his background coming from a safe area, unlike where I came from, where even shoes gets stolen if you leave them too long outside the house. I love the way he deals in kindness with the people we met during our travel together. I love the way he played with the kids. I love the way he practiced patience even though we were surrounded by situations that can blow up even Mother Teresa. I love the way his face suddenly cracked into a cheeky smile in respond to some notty thoughts. I love the way teased me.  I love the way we fool around with each other.  I love to look at him laughing when he watches a funny movie. I love the way he touched me, the way he made love to me. For the first time in my life, with him, I understood the meaning of “making love”. Before him, my idea of “making love” had been something of a “race to an orgasm”.

 How could something right go very wrong? Stubborn. That he is. Well, most of the time anyway. He would prefer to suffer about 9 days in sickness before he would agree to my suggestion of taking the antibiotics I had suggested him to take after 3 days of no improvement. With a donkey, there is a saying , “ You can drag a donkey to the water, but you can never make it drink”. With him, I can create a new saying, “ You can drag the antibiotic with a glass of water in front of him, but you can never make him take it …until he decided for himself he needed to take it”. Imagine how many days of suffering he could have spared should he had taken the antibiotics on day 3 like I had suggested. But that is him. I have learned to accept his ways. He would wear a hat the other way round just because he feels comfortable doing so and don’t give a damn that it looked funny on his head with the front part of the hat staring at the rear view. I find that kind of admiring trait.

 Yes, I love him. But I cannot help but wonder, how much he love me. I know he loves me but I felt weary when that love he claimed to be as equal as mine towards him, could not handle what I would see as a trivial argument, simply because to his mind, it is a big issue. How can I make him understand that I’m not Christina? That I never stopped loving him even when we had the worst arguments. How can I make him see that even though he had left Christina, she never left him. She’s still in his mind, poisoning him each time we have a fight. How can I make him understand that he needs to sort this out, the way I needed to sort out my baggage? How can I make him understand that I need a relationship that allows mistakes to be made, to learn from it and to grow together?

 He said something that made me froze. “I had buried that wonderful girl in a safe place, where she will safe forever”. I’m still alive, still that same wonderful girl who loves him even during our worst fight, and I’m told that I’m being buried alive. That made me think hard. It made me wonder, could it be that he is in love with the very idea of love? Could it be that I had just spoiled the idea of a perfect romance he had built all those years in his mind by not following the plot allocated to me? Something just died inside. What next? During my past relationships, this is the part where I turn around and run. But my deep love for him and the understanding of his past made my legs frozen. I realized for once in my life, I don’t want to run anymore. I have found a home with him. I just have to learn and know how maintain that home. But …..I feel like I’m not given the chance to prove myself. And that really, truly hurts me.

 I wonder if he realized that his misery for those many passing years was a result of him not solving his mental trauma. I feel, that even if he gets involved in future relationships, the outcome would be the same. How can two people in love and in a relationship not be allowed to make mistakes? This type of “relationship” can only exist in one place….in our own minds….how can I make him understand this? When a mind is traumatized, and when it is not settled before one enters the next relationship, that new relationship have poor chances of working. It will be a matter of time when it collapses. One cannot expect to repeat the same mistakes in new relationships yet expecting a different outcome. It’s like dipping a tea bag in a cup of hot water, expecting it to taste like coffee when you sip it.

He argues that our differences in the argument is at fundamental level. He demands trust from a woman who had his husband cheated on her, like God demanding faith and trust. He doesn't understand that trust is usually to be earned.  But it is okay for him not to trust me. He did not trust that I will overcome difficulties in life, leaving my environment to be with him simply because I am a believer that love will conquer all. He did not trust that I will learn from our two arguments and try to make things better. He did not trust that I’m not Christina. I will never leave him lying sick on the floor or cause any harm to come to him, even when I’m angry. How can I make him understand that when I’m angry, I’m rejecting his actions, and not rejecting him.

What saddens me is, why can’t he meet me half way? Why can’t he trust that I will be more sensitive towards his injuries the next time we ended up in any argument/misunderstanding and why can’t he decrease his level of sensitivity towards my arguments even knowing that even when we argue, I never stop loving him? Why must he demand there be no more argument? How can I promise something that no other human being in the history of love and relationship had been able to perform? Relationship without arguments and ironing matters out is not a relationship. It’s romance. In romance, one can have the best times together pretending that everything is okay even when it’s not, just to make sure that the romance is not destroyed. When it does show the first signs of destruction, that’s when one walks away to look for other romances. It’s not that easy with relationships. Relationships need working on. It’s like this small tree where we need to nourish it, and take care that pests don’t destroy it. But there can be no tree without the threat of pests. It’s how we handle the pest situation that is important for the survival of the tree. One just don’t walk away from a tree just because pest starts attacking it.  At the end of the day, one will realize that a solid relationship that was build on solid pillars is worth more than a thousand romances.

 I’m just tired. Tired of hoping, tired of being misunderstood, tired of being told what the future will be but without being given the chance to participate in creating the future. Will I walk away from this? I should. But I won’t. Because I’m the loyal kind. I will not walk away from someone I love who have problems he refuses to acknowledge.

 In a way, I’m happy that he “buried” that lovely girl he created in his mind, somewhere safe. Because, now he is left with me. Me, who is still his lovely girl, but also comes with a package comprising of flaws. Not that perfect creature he created in his mind, that is impossible to exist in real life. I hope he sees me as I am, with flaws and imperfections. All I can hope now is that he will fall in love with ME, and not that perfect figure he created in his mind for the past ...well....many years of longing. If only Christina is a bacteria and I can hand him an antibiotic and a glass of water. If only life is that simple. Just like I waited for him to finally take that damn antibiotics, I will wait for him patiently, until that day he realized that that perfect lovely girl had never left him, even when in crisis and will never leave him as long as he wants me by his side.  How can I make him understand that I'm in this through thick but especially through thin.

As for me, he was/is my therapy. With him, I've learned to trust men again. I never thought that this was ever possible. I was broken to pieces when Feroz died, but not before leaving me mentally traumatized and destroying whatever trust I have in men. How can one pick up the pieces when it is broken like a China, scattered into tiny pieces all over the floor? But I did. On my own at first, then later, with the help of “he”. Turned out, human can never be a China ware even if we insist we are. We can, if we want to, pick up the pieces and become whole, if not almost-whole again.  The question is whether our love for life and the dream for happiness are stronger to overcome our fears to face life's challenges.  That is why humans are humans, and China remain as China.  It is what we set in our minds, what a situation should be.

I do. I understand his decision and agree that we should now take it slow. We agree that what we have is a treasure and that we should not spoil it. But not putting our relationship to test is not really a good thing some extend. It's like purchasing a Porsche and not taking it for a test drive. But that is just my opinion.

  What am I going to do now? I love him too damn much and I still have faith that we will make it in a successful relationship. But how can I make him understand that what we have is worth fighting for?  Maybe he does know...that is why we agreed on taking it slow.  Then again, if anyone would know that I'm an eternal optimist, it would be "He"....I wished for sunshine when the weather forecast predicted it to rain the whole day.  That is got to hope for sunshine even when the "experts" tell you it will rain.... Nothing left for me to do except do what any woman in true love would do….just wait for him patiently to one fine day, understand fully that to be able to achieve future happiness in any relationship (preferably with me, but even if it is not with me) he has to take that damn antibiotics…


Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday


I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow


We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

[Verse 2]

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way


I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay


We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

[Verse 3]

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby youuuu and I


We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...

Sunday, September 9, 2012

A heart for a heart

I have to say,I enjoy the feeling of being emotionally dependant on that one special person, until I realize that I'm actually emotionally dependant on that one special person. I know..Oscar Wilde is right when he said "Thinking kills romance" .. So what is he saying? Only idiots find romance? Just imagine the power he has that can be used against me....I can just imagine in my death certificate whereby in the box to fill stated "cause of death" or "COD" is written the word "Love". Death by love. Hmm...someone may think I died from overdose of it. Is that even possible? Complication of love perhaps, but love per se...nope...I don't think that is possible. At least I've never seen anyone dying with a smile across their faces from the contentment of love. I'm beginning to rant like an idiot. But then again, I'm in love. That explains it.

Not just that. Many things may explain it too, love I meant. Like writing or saying things to him that if I were to hear some other couples in love uttering them to each other, may prompt me to search frantically for a vomit bag. Then there comes a point where I get into this panic attack. Shit!! I gave him my heart!! My heart for god's sakes!! What a stupid thing to do!! One don't just give anything away just like that!! Nobody gives their limbs away. Well, maybe their organs, but that is mostly after they're dead. It's my heart, my most vital organ for christ sakes! I mean, I have no qualms lending my brains to those brainless people who irritate me on daily basis..but this is my heart we're talking about!! What if he rips it apart, slash it into pieces, cook it with red wine and claim that red wine is in fact good for the heart just to make himself feel better... But I can't take it back either can I? heart I meant...because when I don't have a panic attack, my heart feels quite good just comfortably rested on the palm of his warm hands. Fantastic actually. Or should I use the word euphoric? Yes..euphoric. But what if he smash it suddenly to pieces???

 Wait a minute...I just remembered a very vital thing...heh..heh..heh...I've got ransom come to think of eye for an eye...or in my case, a heart for a heart. Heh heh heh...I just remembered he gave me his heart and it's now lying comfortably resting on the palm of my warm hands. I can do all those things I imagined he could do to me. Hmm....he hurt my heart, I'll hurt his...then what? Damn it! I've gone through too many heartaches and heartbreaks before I found him. I guess fear, in little doses could mean a good thing. It means that he matters enough to make me worry about getting hurt again. But there is something different about this time around. Maybe it's intuition... I have to just learn how to control my panic attacks. That's it. But how? Well, maybe by telling myself, "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger"...ah well, if all else fail, there's always prozac....

 Ah well...I may not know how things will be in the future, one can only try their best to keep things going and intact...nor will I know if at any point of this relationship we will end up hurting each other...It's a price to pay for love....but what I know for sure is that, while love last, so will the euphoric feeling that comes with it.. what else can I say, except...I hope both of us will enjoy and cherish this moment... Okay..I hear someone calling out for a vomit bag..I get it..I'll stop now before someone actually vomits out blood or something.. Here's a song that carries how I feel right now...and get your own vomit bag please...
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...

Monday, July 2, 2012

It's time...

I still remember the first day of school. She was for the first time, clad in a uniform and with her stick thin figure (it's genetics on both side of the parent), looked like she was swimming in it. I could still remember the pang I felt in my heart as I watched her walk into the class room,and I remember I talked to my late hubby, underneath my breath, "Jaan, look at her go..she's so cute. I wish you were here with me to witness our child's first day of school". Even as I'm writing this now, I could still feel the pang, at the same spot. And I thought it had healed. It should have, but it never did.

I remember she came out looking annoyed, and scolded me, "Ummi, you forgot to register me earlier!!!" Imagine, getting scolded by your own daughter on her first day of school!! Twelve years, 3 major examination with successes and tons of expletives thrown on the road driving to and back from school later, it was time for her to fly. She is all grown up now. There was even an attempt to tutor her mother on how to get the guys to go out on a date. (obviously the mother is very good at keeping secrets of how she can get the man with a snap of her fingers....only problem there were no man that could match up to her expectations). I sometimes wonder if all mothers feel the way I feel about my child. I feel more blessed than I do proud of her. I could not have done it without the help of God.

I knew that this day would come. It was time. In a way, I was looking forward to this. She would go out there into the world armed with all the upbringing I had equipped her with and I will be able to pick up where I left being single again. But things will never be the same. Being single again somehow do not seem as fantastic as I would imagine it will be. I miss her. But I know that I will have to be strong and learn to let her fly. This is her time. She needs to go out there and learn to make her own mistakes, hopefully learn from them and become wise.

And love should allow me to stay back and not intervene of course unless necessary. Love is not about being selfish. Even the other animal kingdom knows when it is time to let go. I am waiting for the day when she will finally soar.......

Fly my little starling......Ummi's just behind you, watching and guarding, behind the veils of love....go make us proud...
Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...

Friday, June 29, 2012

He....two years later

My Dearest Readers,

Please accept my apologies for neglecting this blog for quite some time now.To my defence, I was lost in living and had started to drift into reality so much so, I have forgotten to get in touch with one of my favorite things in life, writing. I hope you will forgive me. Do drop a comment if you think you want me to continue writing to you. Otherwise, I will do what I do best... write to the void of the universe, hoping I will feel better about things going on in my life. It would be nice if we can share our experiences in here though.

Here's the thing.In getting lost in life, sometimes, we will discover new experiences and new things. That was what I did. I went out of my comfort zone, once upon a moon, only to find that love had never left me. It's when one is not looking, that sometimes one find what he/she is looking for. It's like the universe had finally caught up with our wishes.  Then again, the universe has to deal with lots and lots of wishes to reckon with. 

What am I babbling about? Well, remember what I wrote sometime back in 2010? Here, it's titled, "He", go on click HERE and read the article. Well, guess what folks? If you practice enough patience, and refuse to settle for something less, you may just get your wish to come true. I think my wish is on the way to becoming true. I think I finally found him......For the people out there who believe in hope, please...don't give up... who knows, someday, hope will knock on your door, the way it did on mine.  

Knock knock
Who's there?
Well, it's about time you showed up...what took you so long?

Enjoy this video ...

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Sunday, April 29, 2012

Don't be scared of the dark....

Humans are scared of the unknown, that is a given.  That is why most of us are scared of the dark.  When we are in the dark, we are left alone with our imagination.  You know what they say about having a good imagination.  Fear, is a price you have to pay for having a vivid imagination. 

This is not about a ghost story.  No.  This is scarier than that.  This is a story about fear you are left with when you are left in the dark.  Sometimes, when you sight senses are blocked, you reduce distractions to the mind and the mind can occasionally be pretty mean when left alone with you in the dark.  It taunts you with feeling of insecurity, unhappiness but mostly, loneliness. 

Maybe that is why many people suffer when a relationship ends without closure.  You are left in the dark, with assumptions and questions pounding your mind, ricocheting. 

Sometimes I would lie in the dark and imagine what it would be like when one dies.  I would wonder, if I die tomorrow, who would miss me.  Did I prove myself worthy enough as a human being for another human being to actually miss me?  I mean, miss me as a person, not what I can do for them.
When I lie in the dark, sometimes I am left with the thoughts that I try to push away by keeping busy in the daylight, only to have them boomerang back when I lie there in the dark, staring at the ceiling. 

But there is something that happens when you lie in bed alone in the dark.  You realize, that if you do not panic when the lights go off, and keep still for a while, your eyes will somehow adjust to the darkness, and suddenly, as you roll your eyeballs about their sockets, slowly and insidiously, you will notice that even in the dark, you will begin to visualize what is around you.  If you wait a little more, you will soon realize, that even in the dark, you are not completely blinded.  

Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

This thing called "Trouble"....

I keep saying that I missed the days when “gay” use to simply mean “happy”, without violent demonstrations attached to that. Even love for that matter. It is difficult to define “Love” per se but when we manage to do so, it is associated with many events that relates to good feeling between humans. Today, “Love” is simply known as “trouble”.

Ever wonder why relationships are so screwed up nowadays? It is because humans do not decipher the third Newton Law that states, “Every action has its reaction”. We put in a set of action and anticipate an almost impossible outcome that defies mathematical probability and actually become bewildered when this “unexpected outcome” boomerangs its way back to us. In life, this is called simply, “cause and effect”. So basically, screwed up relationships are by choice not so much by chance. Here’s a simple rule of thumb; You can pray all you want to God, but unless you are in a zero gravity situation, you jump down, you fall, you don’t float.

Men and women of today, in majority, have probably lost recognition of love even when it punches them right on the nose making it bleed. The Adrenalin that is the by-product of love use to make our hearts flutter, if not skip a beat or give us the palpitations. Nowadays, it is used to gear our body up for the “
flight and fight” response. We choose romance over the real thing because sometimes, the real thing does not present itself the way love stories do. We submit to mere physical attraction, chemistry, our plans for the future for our partner to fit into it, fit it into our own frame of time and future plans and not only call it “love”, but we have even mastered a way to convince ourselves that this is indeed, love.

No drama no fun. Maybe subconsciously, we do not want the real thing, despite us keep saying it. Because being able to identify the real thing too soon may mean the end of future romances. Where is the fun in that? And yet, we avow that we are looking for the real thing. Maybe we want to have the real thing but at our preferred time. Here’s flash news folks; love does not wait for your time, and you don’t get to choose who you love, if you are talking about “the real thing”. Just say we want to satisfy our sexual desires, our crave for romance, call it anything but don’t call it “love”. Bon Jovi will be screaming, “You give love a bad name” and for once, I will not mind the noise.

Little do we realize, that love can sometimes come slowly, and unlikely. For some of us, we prefer drama as a form of marketing for love. Why do you think Romantic Comedies are so in today? I am guilty as charged. I love Romantic Comedies because I love fantasy. But unlike some delusional audience, when I push the “Stop” button on my remote control, I get to go back to reality and know that the reason why those dramas happened in those movies are because it hardly happen in real life and that is why love stories like that are made into movies because if it happens in real life, it won’t be something special to make a movie out of it. That is why our grandparents survive longevity in relationships, they don’t play Romantic Comedy back then, be it on or off the black and white TV.

I use to laugh and tell my guy buddy, “If you’re looking for a soul mate, look into her soul because it’s not on her tits, where your eyes laze”

Life is funny. No wait, it’s not life that is funny. The people of this millennium are. In today’s so called “love” scene, it is easier to secure a relationship when your motive is anything other than offering sincere god honest love. What happened to "through thick and thin"? What happened to loyalty? Faith? Honesty? Sincerity?

What had happened to us? Could it be that we have become too damaged, too cynical and probably too jaded from past relationships that when we are finally offered simple straightforward love on a platter, they think it is some kind of a trick of sort, God is playing on us. And we will start looking for some kind of hidden camera from some bad reality TV show. It’s like love isn’t love unless you get to play “hide and seek” or “dog catches cat”, whatever. Why bitches gets the guys is because they comprehend the animalistic preying nature of men and are good at playing and manipulation these games, the game of love and guys dig it. And it’s vice versa.

Here’s a question. After all that drama, that hide and seek, that dog catches cat games, and finally both parties end up together, what next? Are we going to cherish the relationship because it was a trophy to be celebrated or because the person standing in front of you is worthy of your love and you are worthy of his/hers? Can’t we just develop the ability to identify love, without all that games we play? If love is just a game for two, is it a competition for one to win or both winning?

I guess, in a relationship, it depends on what you are looking for? If you are looking for romance, then it is easy. If you are looking for casual sex, the modern time “Touch and Go” style is so ample, you can even have fuck buddies on your speed dial. But if you are looking for “the real thing”, now this requires something else, which none of us really have a clue of. They say that a journey to a thousand miles begin with the first step. In this day and age where we are distracted by many things that hinders us from the path of finding true love, (mostly us as the hindering factor) if we are looking for “the real thing”, maybe the first step to this long and winding journey would be asking ourselves and answering in all honesty, “Are we looking for true love, or what are we truly looking for?”

The greatest thing
You'll ever learn
Is just to love
And be loved
In return"
Enjoy Nat King Cole's "Nature Boy"....

Click here if you have the passion and patience to read more!!...

Saturday, April 7, 2012

When I look back on my ordinary ordinary life.....

I was flipping through my latest album, compilation of pictures I took from my recent holiday, with my new DSLR. I stumbled upon other albums in this tedious process and this ended up with me browsing through the old photographs. Jamie Cullum's song accompanied my mind as I flipped through the pages of the album; the part where he sang,

"When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic though I missed it at the time".

It is so true. Photographs can be an evidence of how we sometimes take life for granted. Friends who we promised to keep in touch but somehow rather did not manage to do so, due to the paths in life we have taken that had kept us busy and out of each others way. Some of them in the pictures looked happy beside me and we swore that we will never let that euphoric fire of friendship dims let alone die. It's amazing how sometimes, we make promises we know deep down we will never keep, even as we hear our mouth muttering the very words of "let's keep in touch".

Boyfriend who have better relationship in the future as your ex boyfriend. Your child who you thought will never grow taller than you. Your pet that taught you that although cats have nine lives, not necessarily it means the rest of the 8 will be with you.

The fashion back then that makes you go..."what the.....". I think Alleycats did not change their fashion simply because they did not have the time to look back on their earlier photos, but their vocals made up for that.

Alleycats dulu....

Alleycats, sekarang....well, not exactly, may you rest in peace Logan...

The same goes with some tunes. Just like the photos they have the power to transport you back in time into the corners of your mind, into memory-ville..

Alas! Life is short. And as we grow older, we loose some friends along to the way to the natural process of the universe; death, sickness. Only when I look back at those photos I wonder, what happened to the magic of friendship? Have materialism engulfed the simple need for companionship?

Does it have to be that way? Or is it best that we go our own separate paths and only meet each other during class alumni, of which some may use this as a portal to show off how well they are doing just for that one night?

Then again, when we were kids, we were carefree. As we grow older, we change and although the essence of us may stay eternal, our life style may be a hindering factor of being comfortable with each others' company on day to day basis.

So yes, when I look back at what I thought to be just another day captured by the camera, sometime in the future, I may not have seen it as magical at that moment, the way I see it today. You cannot help but note, that the moment may have stayed eternally frozen in the photograph, but the people in it had long moved on.

I guess that is the beauty of photography......

Her name was written on a photograph,
Right next to her red, sunburnt face,
It all had happened in that long tall grass,
About a mile from her old place,
I can't remember how it started
And if it lasted that day in the sun.

We said that we were going to study hard,
We held our books instead of hands,
She held a blanket over cans of beer,
I can't deny I was so full of fear.

It's just another story caught up
In another photograph I found.
And it seems like another person lived that life A great many years ago from now,

When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.
When I look back on my ordinary ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

And there's the first time that I tried that stuff,
I think I look a little green,
I remember throwing up behind a bush,
And I found it hard to use my feet,
And who's that easily led
Little boy who's really off his head?

It was the same night that I kissed that girl,
The tall one with the auburn hair,
I remember laughing coz to kiss me,
She had to sit down on a chair!
She tasted like the schnapps she'd drunk,
And the cigarette she'd stolen from her mum.

And it's just another story caught up in another photograph I found.

When I look back on my ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.
When I look back on my ordinary ordinary, ordinary life,
I see so much magic, though I missed it at the time.

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