Well, I feel young, does that count?


Monday, November 4, 2013

"He" ........after "He" and me got hitched....

Dear readers, I wrote this in a jest. I’m penning down what I feel when I’m feeling it. It may not be accurate, it may not be right. But I figure, writing this down would be cheaper alternative to a psychiatrist or counselling. So here goes.

 It’s about “He”…what happens after she and he got together…… 

I love the way he looked at me. He is transparent to me. You can see all that love reflected in his eyes whenever he looked at me. Those beautiful bluish grey eyes, that seemed to be the window to his inner self. It was still there, that love reflection when we parted last. It’s still full of love, only probably lesser. All it took was two fights. The only fights we ever had throughout our almost 2 years of relationship. Those fights usually begin with the most trivial reason one can possibly think of, then they escalate out of proportion and before we know it, it got beyond us. It seems that we don’t argue at all. But when we do, it turned out catastrophic.

 I knew he had a past, a baggage …or dare I say a luggage. So have I. Aren’t we all sort of damaged goods, trying hard to find our way back to “normal”? When we have an argument, my expression of anger would be deemed as “provoking”. And when I try to practice reticence, it was deemed to be “provoking” too. When I’m in an argument with him, I feel like I’m sinking in a quicksand. The more I struggle to get out of it, to save the matter, the more I seem to sink deeper into the sand. The source of our argument may be trivial. But every time an argument arises, there will be four people arguing. The first to arrive to the battle field would be Christina and Feroz. Christina is his ex-wife and Feroz is my dead husband. Suddenly, at that moment, all his and my past arguments and bad experiences came in a flash, lowering the bar for tolerance before the argument had the chance to even warm up.

 Misunderstandings, one superimposed on another forming a Domino’s effect of misunderstandings in a cascading fall. It is not really a bad thing but when someone is too traumatized by the past, the past can certainly halt any progress forward in the relationship….in any relationship. It’s like when someone knows how painful it is to touch fire, he will not touch fire ever again. Truth is, if he conquers his fear, he will realize that it is possible to touch fire without getting hurt…wear an asbestos suit. But can you blame someone for being terrified in the first place?

I still love him more than he could ever imagine. I love the way he bites his upper lips with his lower teeth when he is concentrating on a task. I love the way he takes my glasses to look at the word games trying to figure out the answers. I love the way he leaves traces of food around his mouth, like a little boy enjoying his food without a care in the world. I love wiping them off. I love it that he still wears the same T-shirt I saw him wearing in a picture taken 5 years back.  He spends selflessly on others and not so much for himself.   He would forget to lock the door most of the time and I will just shake my head and lock it before I go to sleep simply because I understood his background coming from a safe area, unlike where I came from, where even shoes gets stolen if you leave them too long outside the house. I love the way he deals in kindness with the people we met during our travel together. I love the way he played with the kids. I love the way he practiced patience even though we were surrounded by situations that can blow up even Mother Teresa. I love the way his face suddenly cracked into a cheeky smile in respond to some notty thoughts. I love the way teased me.  I love the way we fool around with each other.  I love to look at him laughing when he watches a funny movie. I love the way he touched me, the way he made love to me. For the first time in my life, with him, I understood the meaning of “making love”. Before him, my idea of “making love” had been something of a “race to an orgasm”.

 How could something right go very wrong? Stubborn. That he is. Well, most of the time anyway. He would prefer to suffer about 9 days in sickness before he would agree to my suggestion of taking the antibiotics I had suggested him to take after 3 days of no improvement. With a donkey, there is a saying , “ You can drag a donkey to the water, but you can never make it drink”. With him, I can create a new saying, “ You can drag the antibiotic with a glass of water in front of him, but you can never make him take it …until he decided for himself he needed to take it”. Imagine how many days of suffering he could have spared should he had taken the antibiotics on day 3 like I had suggested. But that is him. I have learned to accept his ways. He would wear a hat the other way round just because he feels comfortable doing so and don’t give a damn that it looked funny on his head with the front part of the hat staring at the rear view. I find that kind of admiring trait.

 Yes, I love him. But I cannot help but wonder, how much he love me. I know he loves me but I felt weary when that love he claimed to be as equal as mine towards him, could not handle what I would see as a trivial argument, simply because to his mind, it is a big issue. How can I make him understand that I’m not Christina? That I never stopped loving him even when we had the worst arguments. How can I make him see that even though he had left Christina, she never left him. She’s still in his mind, poisoning him each time we have a fight. How can I make him understand that he needs to sort this out, the way I needed to sort out my baggage? How can I make him understand that I need a relationship that allows mistakes to be made, to learn from it and to grow together?

 He said something that made me froze. “I had buried that wonderful girl in a safe place, where she will safe forever”. I’m still alive, still that same wonderful girl who loves him even during our worst fight, and I’m told that I’m being buried alive. That made me think hard. It made me wonder, could it be that he is in love with the very idea of love? Could it be that I had just spoiled the idea of a perfect romance he had built all those years in his mind by not following the plot allocated to me? Something just died inside. What next? During my past relationships, this is the part where I turn around and run. But my deep love for him and the understanding of his past made my legs frozen. I realized for once in my life, I don’t want to run anymore. I have found a home with him. I just have to learn and know how maintain that home. But …..I feel like I’m not given the chance to prove myself. And that really, truly hurts me.

 I wonder if he realized that his misery for those many passing years was a result of him not solving his mental trauma. I feel, that even if he gets involved in future relationships, the outcome would be the same. How can two people in love and in a relationship not be allowed to make mistakes? This type of “relationship” can only exist in one place….in our own minds….how can I make him understand this? When a mind is traumatized, and when it is not settled before one enters the next relationship, that new relationship have poor chances of working. It will be a matter of time when it collapses. One cannot expect to repeat the same mistakes in new relationships yet expecting a different outcome. It’s like dipping a tea bag in a cup of hot water, expecting it to taste like coffee when you sip it.

He argues that our differences in the argument is at fundamental level. He demands trust from a woman who had his husband cheated on her, like God demanding faith and trust. He doesn't understand that trust is usually to be earned.  But it is okay for him not to trust me. He did not trust that I will overcome difficulties in life, leaving my environment to be with him simply because I am a believer that love will conquer all. He did not trust that I will learn from our two arguments and try to make things better. He did not trust that I’m not Christina. I will never leave him lying sick on the floor or cause any harm to come to him, even when I’m angry. How can I make him understand that when I’m angry, I’m rejecting his actions, and not rejecting him.

What saddens me is, why can’t he meet me half way? Why can’t he trust that I will be more sensitive towards his injuries the next time we ended up in any argument/misunderstanding and why can’t he decrease his level of sensitivity towards my arguments even knowing that even when we argue, I never stop loving him? Why must he demand there be no more argument? How can I promise something that no other human being in the history of love and relationship had been able to perform? Relationship without arguments and ironing matters out is not a relationship. It’s romance. In romance, one can have the best times together pretending that everything is okay even when it’s not, just to make sure that the romance is not destroyed. When it does show the first signs of destruction, that’s when one walks away to look for other romances. It’s not that easy with relationships. Relationships need working on. It’s like this small tree where we need to nourish it, and take care that pests don’t destroy it. But there can be no tree without the threat of pests. It’s how we handle the pest situation that is important for the survival of the tree. One just don’t walk away from a tree just because pest starts attacking it.  At the end of the day, one will realize that a solid relationship that was build on solid pillars is worth more than a thousand romances.

 I’m just tired. Tired of hoping, tired of being misunderstood, tired of being told what the future will be but without being given the chance to participate in creating the future. Will I walk away from this? I should. But I won’t. Because I’m the loyal kind. I will not walk away from someone I love who have problems he refuses to acknowledge.

 In a way, I’m happy that he “buried” that lovely girl he created in his mind, somewhere safe. Because, now he is left with me. Me, who is still his lovely girl, but also comes with a package comprising of flaws. Not that perfect creature he created in his mind, that is impossible to exist in real life. I hope he sees me as I am, with flaws and imperfections. All I can hope now is that he will fall in love with ME, and not that perfect figure he created in his mind for the past ...well....many years of longing. If only Christina is a bacteria and I can hand him an antibiotic and a glass of water. If only life is that simple. Just like I waited for him to finally take that damn antibiotics, I will wait for him patiently, until that day he realized that that perfect lovely girl had never left him, even when in crisis and will never leave him as long as he wants me by his side.  How can I make him understand that I'm in this through thick but especially through thin.

As for me, he was/is my therapy. With him, I've learned to trust men again. I never thought that this was ever possible. I was broken to pieces when Feroz died, but not before leaving me mentally traumatized and destroying whatever trust I have in men. How can one pick up the pieces when it is broken like a China, scattered into tiny pieces all over the floor? But I did. On my own at first, then later, with the help of “he”. Turned out, human can never be a China ware even if we insist we are. We can, if we want to, pick up the pieces and become whole, if not almost-whole again.  The question is whether our love for life and the dream for happiness are stronger to overcome our fears to face life's challenges.  That is why humans are humans, and China remain as China.  It is what we set in our minds, what a situation should be.

I do. I understand his decision and agree that we should now take it slow. We agree that what we have is a treasure and that we should not spoil it. But not putting our relationship to test is not really a good thing some extend. It's like purchasing a Porsche and not taking it for a test drive. But that is just my opinion.

  What am I going to do now? I love him too damn much and I still have faith that we will make it in a successful relationship. But how can I make him understand that what we have is worth fighting for?  Maybe he does know...that is why we agreed on taking it slow.  Then again, if anyone would know that I'm an eternal optimist, it would be "He"....I wished for sunshine when the weather forecast predicted it to rain the whole day.  That is got to hope for sunshine even when the "experts" tell you it will rain.... Nothing left for me to do except do what any woman in true love would do….just wait for him patiently to one fine day, understand fully that to be able to achieve future happiness in any relationship (preferably with me, but even if it is not with me) he has to take that damn antibiotics…


Girl im in love with you
This ain't the honeymoon
Past the infatuation phase
Right in the thick of love
At times we get sick of love
It seems like we argue everyday


I know i misbehaved
And you made your mistakes
And we both still got room left to grow
And though love sometimes hurts
I still put you first
And we'll make this thing work
But I think we should take it slow


We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

[Verse 2]

This ain't a movie no
No fairy tale conclusion ya'll
It gets more confusing everyday
Sometimes it's heaven sent
Then we head back to hell again
We kiss then we make up on the way


I hang up you call
We rise and we fall
And we feel like just walking away
As our love advances
We take second chances
Though it's not a fantasy
I Still want you to stay


We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow

[Verse 3]

Take it slow
Maybe we'll live and learn
Maybe we'll crash and burn
Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave,
maybe you'll return
Maybe another fight
Maybe we won't survive
But maybe we'll grow
We never know baby youuuu and I


We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Heyyy)
We're just ordinary people
We don't know which way to go
Cuz we're ordinary people
Maybe we should take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow (Take it slow oh oh ohh)
This time we'll take it slow


Anonymous said...

Seems to me that your guy is pretty messed up emotionally. Women tend to forget that men are like women when it comes to emotional matters. We too are as sensitive, unlike what women think of us, to be tough all the time. Like you women, we men tend to have emotional insecurities too. We may be more muscular physically, but our hearts are just as fragile.

He seems like a sensitive guy to me and I think he loves you more than you give him credit for.

I agree with you though, that it's best for you to give him some space and time to figure out that he need to settle certain matters from his past.

I went through something similar some time ago. You must understand that he will only change on his time. It's a known fact that "One can only see something clearly when he/she can see it but only at their own time".

So hang on in there kid. You guys look like you have something real and special there. True love. That is very rare and I hope the both of you realize this fact before its too late or before you kids do something stupid that you will regret later on in life.

Life is short. Stop living in the past and try to focus into the future. Everybody deserves to be happy and happiness needs some working on.

All I can say to you at this moment is, "Hang on to your man. He just need reassurance and time to realize that you are unlike his past experiences."

I just hope it's not too late before he realize that he's got a gem in his hands and he should treasure it.

Too bad I'm already happily married kid. Otherwise I will give him a run for his money ;-)

Hazriq Sidique said...

"He" sounds like a nice bloke but very touchy. I concur with anon that he had bad experiences with Christina. And you have a very bad past with your late husband too. I love that piece you wrote about him. It was very touching.

My advice: life is short. Start looking forward instead looking backwards. Looking backwards usually retards advancing forward, which is truly a waste of life because I think you two are made for each other. You just need learn that the past is not a place to dwell too long when it is just nasty.

Good luck Auntie Dot. I wish you the best. He's a fool if he ever let you go.

If I had dwelt too long in the sorrow my first marriage had brought me and let it drown me in fear to restart a promising future, I would not be planning for a surprise holiday getaway with my lovely second wife the next one and a half month. It will be our 21st anniversary. Had I not conquered my own fear, I would not even be able to plan for our first anniversary!

Earlier failure serves as a lesson to prepare us for a better next relationship, or the next, or the next. You have to finally get it right sometime, right?

Mimilan Mantuno said...

Madonna sang, "Don't go for second best babe, put your love through the test". That did not exactly worked out well for her I'm afraid.

If a man cannot overcome his fear of the past with the love he avows to a woman at present, to rise above and fight for who he thinks he loves, then perhaps that love which can be overcome by fear is not really a strong enough love.

I'm intrigued to know the outcome of this. Will "He" choose "fight" or will he choose "flight" ("flight" here is not referring to any airlines but referring to "running off" or "cabut lari").

he obviously love you. But how much?

Maybe give him some time to recover from his first marriage. In time, maybe he will learn to let go of his fears and learn to love you for you as a whole package, the good and the bad.

Anonymous said...

No relationship has survived not having any crisis. That is how they grow, or that is how they end. The choice is of course in the hands of both parties in the relationship.

Relationships is like the weather. There are good weather and there are bad. Whats more, weathers are unpredictable. It's not easy to forecast them too. In life, you need to learn to enjoy the good weather, and brave through the bad ones. It's when you are in the typhoon, remember, typhoons never last forever. Things end when people give up before the typhoon ends.

Suggest you cling to something until this bad weather dies.Pray for sunshine to come again

Auntie Dot said...

Thank you all for your kind words and wisdom.

I feel that he has had a tough life since childhood and was not lucky enough to get good guidance. This had led him to possess a very sensitive yet stubborn by time in nature and virtue. It doesn't at all make him a bad person, only one who is deeply injured and that injury was ignored and deprived from proper healing for such a long time. That will explain his present nature of being terrified of confrontation.

I guess with me, during an argument, he was more upset that I turned out not the way he had expected me to react. To his mind, it is bewildering to find a generally good natured person to have a temper. Yes, I do have a temper, that is my nature. But to my defense, I did control it almost to the fullest when I had that second argument with him.

Coming from two different culture, I never thought much of the difference until we had our arguments. I assume my readers are Asians and you know how we Asians are when we argue right. We are passionate people and very expressive and most to the time, our bark is worst than our bite. The Arabs are worst i think. They will scream at each other then the next thing you know they will be hugging each other and kissing each other on the cheeks. That is culture.

He doesn't understand our culture. When he travels, he only sees the good things. We asians are good at hiding things, (especially non marital sex which makes us the biggest hypocrites actually).

But answer me this question. How many loud spoken Asian would go all the way across the world to conquer another region for their own benefits as compared to the soft spoken so called polished western people? I rest my case.

THAT was the biggest misunderstanding. My self expression of anger and hurt was not seen as a way of me dealing with a misunderstanding, but was seen as a sign of disrespect to him. He taught I was "teasing" him when actually, I was busy expressing my hurt and my anger. It wasn't at all my intention to tease / ejek him. He blew up just for this matter thinking my expression of discontentment is a way of my showing disrespect to him.

Auntie Dot said...

I understand this could be the result of his unpleasant childhood. You see, he grew up being bullied at the hostel he was put into during his adolescent years. I don't really know what went on back then and what he categorized as being "bullied", but he would be shocked to find out that Asians define "bully" as shoving one's face into the toilet bowl enjoying the sound of struggle.
Nevertheless, bullying is bullying and a child being bullied will grow up being traumatized and holds some kind of bottled anger that one need not open the cover. me...don't even go there.

My disappointment is not really in his outburst. I can understand why that happened. My disappointment is with the fact that he is not keen on solving his internal emotional issue that has been keeping him away from grasping inner happiness all these years. My disappointment is in the fact that he prefer to adapt to unhappiness rather than seeking treatment for a condition that is treatable. If one can deny himself happiness that he deserves, and by god he deserves the ultimate happiness because he is, to me, an angel, it makes me wonder, I don't think it'll be any difficult to him to deny me of happiness too.

I told him that happiness comes from within himself, and the source should not solely be from me. My function in his life should be sharing that happiness together, mine and his and to make new ones...make us happier. To put the burden of making him happy solely on my shoulders is kind of a big thing to have on my shoulders. And I suppose right now, he view me as a failure to uphold that duty he had bestowed upon me. How can I not fail? How can anyone not fail?

He is the man of my dreams. Unfortunately he came to be with a big emotional baggage. I accept that. I love him unconditionally. What upsets me is he does not appear to be keen enough to sort that baggage out. His method is to "avoid". My method is to "catch the problem and solve it". Avoid is also another form of tactic, but solving the problem will be more effective so that once the problem is solved, there won't be a problem to avoid. But that is just me. Maybe this is where we differ.

I wish he would understand my side of the story. Why I behave how I behaved during an argument. I understand his side of the story. I see it as solvable, he sees it as "I cannot afford to have a third crisis in this relationship".

What will happen? I don't know. I can solve some of the toughest mathematical and physic problems but this... I have no clue. How can you convince someone that he deserves to be happy and there is a way to get there. That is why I said earlier, it's like me waiting for him to take that antibiotics which had cured him overnight from his stomach problem.

I suppose, for this mess we are in, I will just have to grit my teeth, and be patient, and hope and pray that he will, after realizing that his way can be improvised simply by trying a new approach to the same kind of matter, he would finally do what needed to be done to be okay take that damn antibiotics......

Auntie Dot said...


His first marriage ended ages ago. His second relationship did not work out, I suspect mainly because of Christina and partly because they were not suited as a couple. Now, it's my turn to experience the Christina-syndrome..... the thing that pains me is that we are terribly suited for each other and if we were to count our happy times, it has been the last two years. Unhappy time, just that two occasions of our infamous "disagreement that led us to something else bigger".

Auntie Dot said...


I'm quite experience in love and relationship to know a gem when i see one, and he is a gem. I hope we will get it right this time....if only he's just not soooooo....scared...sigh

Anonymous said...

Auntie Dot. Please tell your boyfriend that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. These "perfect" relationships only exist in two places; in our minds and in the movies. That is because both are called "fiction".

If two people in love can hit an 80% match, they should be thankful this even happen and try to work out the other 20% to make enjoy happiness. There is a saying that part of happiness is setting a goal that is not too high and impossible to achieve.
conclusion: most of us are unhappy because we set a certain standard in our minds about how everything should be. Instead of accepting things for the way they are and trying to appreciate them for what they are, we spend time feeling miserable because things do not come up to our expectations. While it is okay to have some kind of expectations, setting the bar too high may cause impending failure threfore the disappointment and unhappiness that comes with it.